mu's world

Checking in again...it's been a while

2005-12-12T21:02:00.000-05:00

Well...how the heck has time gone by so fast? Maybe I've been busy, maybe lazy, maybe...I don't know. I actually kind of forgot that I had a blog. I was going through my "favorites" on my homepage and realized that I hadn't checked in on my old blogs in a while. Then I realized that I hadn't written on my own in quite a while.

So, here I am.

I've got to say that I really don't have much to say. I've been busy with life. Life has been flying. I can't believe that we're in the midst of the holidays. How did this happen so fast? In ways, I'm very happy. I'm so glad to be so far way from a year and a half ago. But other ways, I'm a little sad. A year and a half ago, I thought maybe things would be different by now. Other than being forced out of our old apartment, things aren't too different. I do have a new job. That's a very good thing. It's going pretty well, actually. Sometimes it's stressful, but other times it's almost rewarding.

Funny that I remember this blog today. Last night, me and Star were at the grocery store and for some crazy reason, I was looking at cookies. Right next to the cookies was baby food. At that exact moment I felt very sad. I was very aware that I wasn't having to even think about the possibility of buying baby food.

I never forget. Though...sometimes I don't feel as much. But...I never forget. In the last week it's crossed my mind that me and Star could have possibly been celebrating our first Christmas with our first baby. Not this year...though.

Hopefully next year at this time we'll be expecting and not stressing too much about it.

I didn't know...

2005-10-15T22:17:00.000-04:00

Yes. It's been a very long time since I've "showed" my face around these parts. I realize this is lame, but I just really don't feel like I've got too much to say these days. Especially when it comes to the topic for why I started this blog in the first place.
I didn't know that today was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I had no idea until I started to tool around on various blogs I haven't looked at in a while. I have to admit that I think I'm glad I didn't know until now. It's kind of been a strange night already and if I'd known what today was, it'd probably make it stranger.
I have not forgotten about our lost ones. I will never forget. Some days are harder than others. But I do have to admit that I haven't had a really hard day in a while. I suppose I can blame business and exhaustion for that. I haven't had time to feel sorry for myself lately.
I've had some more friends/friends of friends announce their pregnancies recently. It's hard. I do swallow the bitter down. I wish we could have had our chance without having to plan too much, to know that there will be difficulty ahead of us. It's not fair and it's so very hard to understand why we've got this burden. I so very much hope that our day will come.

To our lost ones we never knew...

2005-08-20T09:22:00.000-04:00

Hello again.
I know, it's been a while. A long while. The way that time works...I will always be amazed and puzzled a the same time. It'd be very easy to say that not much is going on...but I'd kind of be lying. A lot is going on. I'll start with the good stuff first.
- I GOT THE JOB! I've know about this now for a good month or so...which just re-enforces the fact that I seem to only find my way to my blog when things aren't going that well. I forget about being here when things are good. But anyway...yes...I got it. All has been stressful and exciting and now I am the "Assistant Manager". Yay for me.
- Our best friends just had their baby the other night...actually very early yesterday morning. It's amazing and beautiful, but sad because they are in Montana. We are very sad that we can't be right there to be apart of things and to help. S had a midwife and she sounds as though she was truly traumatized. The first thing she said was that she wasn't so good and that she would definitely suggest drugs. She would have the baby in her home again...but differently. I really hope that as time goes on that she forgets the real shitty parts. So...I think that today I will brave the baby section at my local Target store. I think I may be ready.
Now some not so great stuff...
- I think that today may be the one year anniversary of my second miscarriage. I know that it was the 17th that I realized I was pregnant, but then it was a few short days after that that I actually had the miscarriage. It's strange how time and "anniversaries" work out. The coincidence...
I haven't had time really to think about it. I've been very busy with work and other stuff. But thinking about my friends so far away with a new baby...I'm reminded of what we are missing out on. And I am also curious as to if we will ever have the chance to be there. Everyone tells me that I will...but there's that part of me that still is afraid that I won't. And then after that, there's the jealously that pregnancy will not be easy and hapless for me (for us). It's going to be the scariest thing for a while. I found out last night that another friend from college is pregnant. I'm excited for her, but yes...kind of jealous. I don't keep in touch with her, so I don't know if it was an easy conception, etc. But the first thing I think is that it all seems so easy for every body else. Why can't it be for me? Why can't it be natural for me? These questions I have a hard time with.

Well...this is all for now...if anyone is still reading.

Ignore this...I'm just talking out loud to myself.

2005-06-22T21:09:00.000-04:00

Not too much going on.
Why do I feel like I ALWAYS say that?
I suppose because I do.

Actually...some stuff did go on today. I had an interview for a possible promotion at my workplace.
I'm NOT feeling very confident about it. Not feeling very confident about it at all, in fact. I really do want the job. I feel like I need it. I need something else. I need to do something different. I need something that will make me do more.

Ack.
I need to stop thinking about it.

Another awkward anniversary

2005-06-14T07:35:00.000-04:00

It's been a year now, I think. I remember that when we went to the ER it was a very late Monday night that turned into a very early Tuesday morning. I think we went in on June 14th, but my hospital bracelet may say June 15th. I still have that around somewhere. For some reason I kept it.
I hadn't been thinking about this coming date until Sunday when I drove by the hospital twice. Maybe it was the way the air smelled or the humidity but suddenly the date struck me and I realized that it's been a year.
This is the fastest year I've ever experienced. A year ago I couldn't wait for the time to pass. That's all I wanted. I thought things would hurt less if the time went by faster. And for the most part, it's actually worked. Things do hurt a little less. Of course a year ago tonight, I had absolutely no idea that I'd be going through the same thing (only worse) two months later.
So...I will have another awkward anniversary coming up in about two months.
I wish I could forget.

Today may be a little tough at work. My boss who I like won't be around and things are feeling a little strange there right now. I'm waiting for word about a job I applied for (in my department). I'm not feeling very positive about it right now. If I don't get it I kind of feel like maybe I should start looking for another job. I really like to work there but I don't feel like I can do it for much longer with the money I make. I need to do/make more. I hope I find some stuff out soon.

I got a sticker on my ass!

2005-06-10T21:52:00.000-04:00

Yes. I have a sticker on my ass. This is my new form of birth control. I've only had it on now for about 25 hours (yes, I'm counting). I'm wondering when it will un-stick. I really don't want it unstick...but, I just have wonder when it will. I mean, it looks like a band-aid. A big one. And I know it's only been a day, but I haven't noticed any side effects yet. When I used to be on the pill I would get the headaches on the first day of my pill cycle.
Anyone been on the patch before? Please give me some advice or comments.

This will be short...

2005-06-06T07:52:00.000-04:00

Today I see my Doc. I am hoping to leave the office with a prescription for the pill. Or rather "the patch". I feel a little nervous. I don't like going to the Doctor's (though this one I do really like) and talking about my birth control issues. Ugh. Anyway...I feel like this is kind of a big deal for me as I decided to swear of the pill two years ago. But...you know...it's kind of amazing how having to miscarriages change just about everything in your life. Of course it changes your birth control ideas. Anyway...I'm hoping my Doc will be able to clear up some more questions and I hope I can get some questions ready too. For the last two days I kind of forgot I was going to the Doc's...so I feel like I've forgotten some things. We'll see.

Ode to Joy

2005-05-25T22:17:00.000-04:00

I'M DONE!!!
Hallelujah!
I've just finished my exam. I just e-mailed it and I should be done. As sad as I am about the class being over...I am not sad about the writing being over. As much as I would like to fancy myself a writer someday...I just have to admit that it's wicked hard sometimes.
Yay. I'm done.
Feels good.
Though now I'm a little concerned because I e-mailed a copy to myself and it hasn't come back to me yet. So...what does that mean? It's taking a while.
Oh well...if I don't think she gets it by the morning, I'll resend it.
I'm exhausted.
Now to the laundry. A women's work is never done.

Just thinking out loud

2005-05-24T20:18:00.000-04:00

Ah...yeah...I'm procrastinating a little bit again. I'm "studying" for my on-line exam which I'll be working on tomorrow night. UGH. I've had the exam questions (no...no cheating...our professor gave them to us) for two weeks now and I just feel like I haven't done enough to study. But I also feel like I know the stuff. I just need to know the questions so that I can finally write it and get it over with. So hopefully soon I'll be done with this.
I've been thinking. Besides being less stressful about having sex, there is another good thing about going back on the pill. My face will clear up!!! Hallelujah. I've, for the most part, had good skin in my life. That was until after my last miscarriage. My skin is a mess. And it's not just the skin on my face. My chest and neck are continuously breaking out also. I really want to clear up for the Summer so that I have one less thing to be self-conscious about (besides my stomach and upper arms).
Have I talked about work lately? I won't really get into it. I mean, there's not too much to get into. I am hoping for a promotion. I've actually applied for it. I gave in my resume and cover letter last Tuesday. Everyone (most everyone) thinks I will get it. I (most days) think I will get it. I'm trying not to plan on it, but I am. My husband seems to be. I want the job more and more everyday and when I think that I might not be able to get it...I feel that maybe I would have to change jobs because I also NEED to make more money. We aren't cutting it too well right now. Anyway...it's always on my mind and I hope that I know what the situation is soon.

Taking a break...

2005-05-20T13:46:00.000-04:00

Or in another word...procrastinating (a little).
CONGRATULATIONS to Crista and Kris!!! And little Bella and Aiden. What an excitement. I don't know really what to say because I feel like anything would not sound quite right. But I am extremely happy for them. They SO deserve some happiness after the crap they've been through. I can't help but hope that I will be getting some that blessing some day too. I know, I know everyone tells me that it will all work out. And of course I really hope so...but some days that little bit of doubt creeps in and won't let you be content with the hope. It's that little voice.
Anyway...
You may wonder why I am home in the middle of the day on a work day. I took it off so that I could study for my final. I don't do well with studying either. I get this laissez-faire (did I spell that right?) attitude with studying sometime. I feel like I can't do anymore and I'll just have to wing it. Or I feel like either I know it or not. So I'll just have to see. Ugh. At any rate it's nice to be home though I'm not doing too much. I feel like if I'm not putting 100% in studying then I should be cleaning, unpacking, or doing something in the yard. I'm tired of my own nagging voice of what I should be doing. I am getting some studying done and I should just be happy and hopeful that that will be enough.
I had my last class last night. I'm kind of sad to be done. I did really enjoy that class. This coming Thursday will be my final and that will be on-line so that I don't have to go into Cambridge. Though, I will be doing it at home and that's a challenge within itself. That's why it was good that I took today off to get a head start. And I think I've got one.
Well...there was more I was going to say and now I don't remember and I suppose it wasn't that important anyway.
I should go.

Stupid, yet frustrating none the less...

2005-05-17T22:26:00.000-04:00

I think I've been doing laundry since I got home this afternoon. It's 10:30 and my first load of laundry is STILL drying. What the heck? Oh how I miss the days when my very own washer and dryer were in my kitchen. Ugh. This is one of the things I miss about our old apartment.
Our new place isn't all that bad. It's better than I thought it would be. But there are a few things that I really miss. I miss the washer and dryer, our big bedroom that was very far away from the kitchen (our new bedroom is right next to the kitchen), the spacious bathroom (anything is bigger than what we've got now), our little porch, and the fan over the stove. Little things like that I miss. The new place has some real good features like huge windows, no rugs, a claw-foot tub, a real yard with grass (though pretty small), nice landlords, much cheaper cable, a gas stove, and lots of sun for almost all of the day. There are a lot of good things. But right now it is a little difficult to remember because I kind of want to go to bed but I can't because my first load is still drying and I need to put the other one in before I go to sleep. And oh yeah...the reason why everything is so backed up is because our landlord's load spent over 3 HOURS in the dryer and they still aren't dry and I really should put them back in before they go to find their clothes.
In other news...
I passed in my resume today. ACK! I did it, I really did it. And now, though I'm lying through my teeth that it doesn't matter...I'll be really upset if I didn't get this job. If I don't get this job then I don't know what to do. The fact of the matter is is that I make absolute shit-for-money where I am now. Yes, I like my job (most days). But...we need to pay the rent and bills and what I'm making right now is just not enough to significantly contribute to that. So...besides that this new job would be a promotion and all that...we really need the money. REALLY NEED the money. If it doesn't work out I don't know what I'll do.
Let's see...what else...did anyone else watch that ridiculous Britney Spears show? I know, I know...I was asking for it to be something totally assinine...but it was even WORSER than I expected. Wow...
Okay...I'm going to go...I'm hoping that my clothes will be dryer in the next 20 minutes.

Another go at it...

2005-05-15T15:11:00.000-04:00

Yeah...I haven't been so good with the writing lately. And I haven't even really been so good with the blog-looking either (though I've been checking in on Crista to see if Bella's made her appearance yet). I've actually been busy. Unpacking, class, work, life. It's time for a break.
I'm possibly up for a promotion. Well...I'm not up for one...I'm going to apply for one. The assistant manager of our department is going away to grad school and so his position will be open. Since I've got experience in managing (coffee shops) and I need to do something more with my life and make some money too, I've decided to go for it. I'm really hoping that this will work. We need something to work for us. It's been a shitty year. We also need some more money. So this weekend I should be working on my resume. By Tuesday I should be done.
Another possible change is that I'm heavily considering going back on the pill. I've actually made an appointment to see my OB/Gyn to talk about the best option for me. Between a possible new job and the fear of another unplanned pregnancy ending in miscarriage, I've decided that this is possibly the smartest thing to do right now. It's a big decision for numerous reasons.
About two years ago I stopped taking the pill after being on it for three years (not really a long time compared to most women). For the most part, my experience with it wasn't so bad after I figured out which one was best for me. My first try was with something called Alesse. It was supposed to be something with the least amount of hormones. After about two months on it, I realized that it made me really depressed. I'd cry at the drop of a hat. After that I was put on something called Triorva (the generic brand, I think). That seemed to treat me well for a while until my periods started getting a little weird. They would last for a long time. Usually they last for about 4 or 5 days a the longest. But when my body started getting funny with the pill my period would last for a week and a half at times. I went to see my doctor about this after a while. At the time I didn't have an OB/Gyn. She decided to switch me to a new pill. For about two months I was fine, but then on the third month my cycle lasted too long. That was two years ago when me and Star decided that I would just go off it and we'd use condoms, etc. I liked on being off the pill because I felt like I had more of a sex drive again and I thought I'd lose weight. I didn't lose the weight, in fact I've put more on since then (though not to the fault of the pill most likely). I also felt mentally better too. All of this was good until my two miscarriages in three months.
Now I'm not so mentally good anymore and I'm too scared to have sex sometimes. As much as I want a baby I'm petrified of getting pregnant again before I'm able to take the progesterone supplements and be ready for a healthy pregnancy. As much as I don't like the idea of putting chemicals in my body again, the idea of a pregnancy right now just scares the shit out of me. I don't think I could handle another miscarriage. I know some women go through many, but I just don't see myself surviving another. I can't do it.
So on June 6th, I'm going to see my doctor to talk and possibly get a prescription for a new pill. Yes, I've thought about other forms of birth control, but none seem to be what I think would be best for me right now. One of the reasons I waited to go on something was because I suppose I was hoping that we would be able to intentionally try again soon. But there's just no way that we could attempt pregnancy with all of the debt and other shit we have going on right now. It would not be wise for us to attempt pregnancy right now.
I'm thinking about the patch-thing that has the same hormonal stuff as the pill. That seems like something decent. We'll see. I hope my doctor will give me some advice that I will like.

I'm back...

2005-05-07T08:40:00.000-04:00

Nothing much, yet so much as happened in the last two plus weeks since I've posted.
We've moved! Ack! Yes, we are officially moved in and the place is a mess. I am hoping that today I will be able to make some progress in the unpacking. The place is beginning to look like a home, but we've just realized how much stuff we have...namely books. And we don't quite have some of the storage space that we used to have. We now have a more useable closet for our clothes and such...we didn't have that before. But before we did have a huge closet that we could just throw our crap that we didn't want to see in...we don't have that any more. So now I've got to be creative.
I am liking the new place. But I still miss the old place. The old place was really our home. We moved in there about a month before we were married.
This weekend is a little wierd because Star is down in NJ spending Mother's Day weekend with his parents. So...I'm in the place by myself. I had a little trouble falling asleep last night.
Over all things are good. I wasn't really able to take time for myself back on the 22nd when I wanted some time to think about things. That week was the due date for my miscarriage. It was also our moving week. Maybe it was a good thing that I didn't have much time to think.
Maybe more later.
I've got tons to do.

One guess what I'm doing right now...

2005-04-19T20:38:00.000-04:00

Yep...PROCRASTINATING!
Damn, I'm bad.
Tonight was supposed to be my big night for writing and (hopefully) completing my paper. I don't think that will be happening unless something crazy happens right now. UGH...I get so mad at myself for this stuff.
I've written only a page and a half. Though...I've only really been in front of the computer for about an hour and a half. I think I'm just testing myself...Subconsciously.
Oy!
This weekend was good (though unproductive in so many ways). Our friends living in Montana visited and we had a good time. Last night we went for dinner and had a sort of bonfire afterwards. It was real good and what I needed. Though it would be so much better if they hadn't left for that unforsaken state today. Hopefully they will be moving out to Eastern Standard Time soon. They are looking to "cash in" on some family land and possibly build a house on it. They still wouldn't be close, but they would be closer.
Other than that...not too much happened. We did a little moving and I tried to ignore the dates of this weekend, though as hard as that is.
Today I almost started crying at work. I saw the most precious baby sleeping in her stroller. She was adorable and for a moment I realized what we were missing out on. It hurt real bad and for a brief moment I almost felt as though I couldn't breathe. It really sucks sometimes.
I ended up telling my friend about our second miscarriage. I don't really like how I did it (after two gin and tonics), but I couldn't help it. It just came out. I suppose I needed to talk, to get it out. It did feel good to get it out.
Well...I need to get some more writing done. Desperately. Ugh.

Writer's block or something like that

2005-04-17T20:09:00.000-04:00

I seem to over analyze EVERYTHING. Everything seems, to me, to be strangely related in an odd way some days. It can drive me crazy.
This weekend is a little bit of a crazy weekend. Here are a few reasons...We are starting our moving process...Our best (pregnant) friends are visiting from Montana...I'm supposed to be writing a seven page paper that is due on Thursday...Tomorrow is a sad "anniversary" of sorts, it's a rough estimate of a due date for our second pregnancy that didn't work out.
It's kind of funny how all of these things seem to have to happen at the same time. Well, no, it's not funny. It's interesting.
Yes...I feel overwhelmed. I'm beyond overwhelmed...I think I'm actually a little numb right now.
I feel like I should be more emotional. But I'm not really...not too much any way. I did get a little teary-eyed when my mother asked me if I was feeling depressed "or anything". But other than that, I just still can't believe that we've dealt with two miscarriages. It's so incredibly unfair to me at times. And it's shocking how easy it seems to be for every body else to be pregnant. My friend's pregnancy has been pretty easy. She's not been too sick, at least for a while. And she's not even had an ultrasound yet (and she may not). She's going to a midwife. My other good friend's sister is also pregnant and she's about the same due date as my good friend. And her pregnancy seems to be pretty easy too.
I could have had a baby this weekend.
That is so incredibly crazy.
It does hit me...hard...every once in a while. Unfortunately, I don't have the time to be able to mope or cry about it. We are too busy having to move and deal with other shit.
I wish we could get a break.

Oh joy...life is so very fun

2005-04-13T20:08:00.000-04:00

Allow me some bitterness right now. Okay...really...Britney Spears and what's-his-face are having a kid. Life is kind of too unfair sometimes. That's all I'll say about that.

Anyway...yeah...things are stressful. I'm slowly running out of time on a couple of things. My paper is due in eight days. I've done absolutely nothing. We get our keys to our new place on Friday. Our current apartment is probably about a fourth packed. Maybe not even that much. Friends from Montana (pregnant friends) are coming around this weekend AND a friend from California is also making an appearance (but he'll be around for a couple of weeks, so there's not as much of a rush for a visit with him...and who knows...maybe we could use him to help us move).

As stressful as all of this is, however, I do have to take a little comfort in knowing that things could be worse. (Does that sound awful?) Really, I mean...I had to witness some co-workers go through some really shitty stuff today and as hard as things are for me and Star right now, we are fortunate in so many other things. I have to remind myself of this more often. Especially in the next couple of weeks. One of my co-workers found out that another spot has been found on her liver. In the last 6 months, she has had both breast and lung cancer removed. She just finished radiation a couple of weeks ago and hasn't yet had a chance to feel the least bit normal. Another co-worker had a policeman come to our museum today to tell her that her husband has been trying to call her. Apparently (we don't know all of the facts yet), her brother-in-law committed suicide and her husband had been trying to call her.
Those things are very terrible. Please send good vibes to those people.

So...I'm going to attempt to keep my chin up. Maybe I may need to start drinking caffeine until this paper is done with. I WILL (really, I will) feel a bit relieved once this paper is done. There are a lot of good, real good aspects of my life. My husband being 95% of what is good (great) about my life. And at the moment he is making me dinner...so I should go.

Worser...

2005-04-11T20:43:00.000-04:00

Yeah...I'm not doing so well with the whole moving thing in so many ways. I feel so behind! And to make things worse is that I have a paper due next Thursday. And to make things even worser is that this coming Sunday is an "anniversary" of sorts...one I've been dreading so very much for the last month. And to make things even worser, worser (and this one I feel kind of guilty about), our pregnant friends from Montana are coming to visit THIS weekend!!! It really could not be a WORSER time!
So...things kind of suck a little.
But wait...there's more. Of course.
Today I found out that the supposed "raise" we were to be receiving some time this month (at work), not a raise at all. It's a "bonus". And it sounds like it's going to really pittily. And to top that off the way it is going to be doled out sounds kind of sketchy.
So, yeah...this is my life right now. Not so fun at the moment.
But my Star is amazing and we got to go for a date yesterday afternoon. And for a couple of hours, I was able to not feel the stress. It was so good and so what I needed at the moment.

Checking in

2005-04-06T19:55:00.000-04:00

Golly! I have so much to say, but I don't really want to get into it right night. At least not all of it. The jist of it...we've found a new apartment. We actually saw one last Monday and on Tuesday we decided to take it. We only saw two, but the second one was so bad that we decided that we should just take the first. It's basically in the same neighborhood (which is mostly a good thing), I get a little bit of land for gardening, and it has a claw-foot tub. Unfortunately, it's maybe a bit smaller than what we have now. The landlords seem really nice. AND...we move in a week!
Ack!
So basically, this is my life right now. There's a lot of other stuff...but...I can't get into it now.
I just wanted to check-in.

Another thing to be stressed about...

2005-03-28T07:37:00.000-05:00

We're back. Our trip down to NJ wasn't as stressful and uncomfortable as I was earlier anticipating. Good thing cause I don't know if I would have been able to handle it. Thursday night when I got home, I got the news that it looks like we are going to have to move out of our building. Yup...this damned place is going condo!!! ACK! I'm so sick of condos. Maybe it's just jealousy because I know we can't get approved for a mortgage to buy one ourselves. Besides that I feel as though we are getting edged out of our home for the last four years, there's something shifty about all of this. We never knew that the place was up for sale and apparently we might only have 30 days to get out of here. It all seems a little underhanded.
I spent just about all of Thursday night and Friday morning crying about it (literally). It's just all very bad timing.
More about this later.

Blah...

2005-03-23T17:51:00.000-05:00

That's how I'm feeling these days.
I've actually started entries for this blog twice. The first one I didn't like so much so I deleted it. The other one got lost. So...I've lost my will to blog...for now.
Life has been a little hectic. Between school, worrying, having a weekend guest, stressing, work, and more worrying, I just haven't had all that much time (patience or energy) to get a whole blog down.
So...anyway...I just wanted to let you all (I think I may just have one or two readers...thank you ladies if you are still checking in on me) know that I'm still here.
We are heading off for a weekend down in New Jersey. This is a trip that neither of us are looking forward to for various reasons. But hopefully when I get back I'll be a better mood for writing.
Til then...

Procrastination is my buddy for the weekend

2005-03-06T10:07:00.000-05:00

I'm supposed to be writing a paper right now. I've been "writing" a paper all weekend. That translates into "I haven't written a single word, I've been playing on the computer looking at everyone's blogs and listening to music". I psyche myself out so much, this is a major problem. It's kind of getting old. The paper is only 5-7 pages. It's on something that I have some ideas, feelings about. But it's the organizing and all of that that's just not going well. And on top of that, I'm severely intimidated by the professor and kind of the course in general. It's a subject that I'm very interested in, but I'm taking it at a school that's very good and by a professor that seems to be very well-trained, read, etc. I'm afraid that what I'll do won't quite measure up to the expectations of the institution and professor. And I want so desperately to do so well. I need to...I'm trying to get into the program at this place. I have to take three classes and get a B- or better to get accepted to this thing.
Ugh.
I think about that later.
We did manage to have a little fun last night. My friend got us some tickets for a really good show that was put on at the MFA. Went for dinner before and drinks after. It felt good to be in the city, being out when everybody else is out. I still have the urging to move into the city. I thought that feeling would go away, but it hasn't. We live about 20 miles north of the city. I do love where we live, but it is slowly getting more and more expensive. A lot of the young, city folk are moving to our city. They are building condos like crazy around here. It's kind of sad actually. I can't say that I really like all of the change. Anyway...sometimes I kind of feel that for the cost it's getting to be around here, we might as well move down into the city and at least be around more stuff. It would be a change though. We are comfortable where we are. We both have very comfortable commutes to where we work, the ocean (my favorite thing) is near-by, and this does feel like home to me. Oh well. For now it is good to have a reason to go down there (friends and Star's gigs).
My doctor's appointment on Wednesday was interesting. It was nice that we actually got to sit down and chat. I've never had that with a doctor before (besides my Ob/gyn). This was my first real visit with my primary in a year. We talked about my miscarriages. I was really touched by how concerned she was about my physical and mental health. She really listened and really seemed to understand. We also talked about my stomach issues. I don't know if that's something I've talked about too much here. For the last year (I can remember exactly the first time it happened, Star's birthday last year), I've been having some horrible stomach issues concerning some uncomfortable issues in the bathroom (I'm sorry...too much detail). When it first happened, I thought that maybe it was just something that happened because of some drinking the day before. But...that seems to not be the case. I think it comes down to anxiety. Why it's manifesting itself in this way? I don't know. At any rate, my doc suggested that I quit drinking coffee...or rather slowly cut it out and then quit. That's a hard thing for me. While I don't drink that much, I do drink it every day. It's going to be a rough thing. She also wanted me to try Prilosic for four weeks. This I don't agree with. When I went to look it up, it only mentioned heartburn and this is a problem I don't have. I also don't want to get into the habit of taking any pills.
I think what I need to do is eat better and get some exercise. That would solve a lot of stuff for me. But it's so damn hard to get going when there's over a foot of snow outside.
I need to get some writing done...for class that is.
I may be back again.

2005-03-01T21:48:00.000-05:00

I know, I know. I've been quite neglectful of my blogging duties lately. It's very easy and tempting to say that not too much has been happening. But I'd kind of be lying. Life is happening and sometimes it's just too damned hard to keep up with it. And even harder to slow down to write and ponder about it.
So I'll give the short, less detailed version of it (I just realized that all of this lead up makes it sounds like a lots been going on...but really...not too much).
I've started a class on Thursday nights. It's a American Women's History course. So far, I really like it. I'm glad to be in a class again. Though along with the gladness comes some stress. I adore being a student, but it also scares the shit out of me. I enjoy the studying, reading, etc. But the classroom and some assignments stress me out more than they should at times. Up until this last week, I was feeling pretty confident about the work load and all of that. But then we got an assignment for a paper that's due next week. I'm freaking out about it already and I haven't even started it yet. And it's not even like a "real" paper...it's a 5-7 page essay. Something that an English major should be used to. Right? Anyway...when I'm not actually reading for this course, I'm thinking about how I should be. So...that's taking up some time in my life right now.
Let's see? What else has been going on? Me and Star did some crazy-condo-hunting a week and a half ago. We actually saw three that we liked and one that we really, really liked. It was almost perfect for us. We wanted to put in an offer. But we finally had the real realization that we have quite shitty credit. We owe everybody and their mother and there is no sane financial institution that would be interested in giving us a mortgage right now. So...we've got to work on our credit. It's not a surprise. I'd just wish we'd really figured this out before we saw a condo that I was picturing us really living in. It's a real bummer that I haven't let myself think about too much quite yet. The part that I'm kind of ignoring is the part where I'd feel that we were closer to starting our family when we are in a space of our very own.
Star's band and music is really moving. They had an awesome show about two weeks ago. A whole night to themselves and a good crowd. They've also been featured on different "pod-casts". And they've got about 6 more shows booked in the next two months. He rehearses about two nights a week now. I'm excited to see him making some way with his music. It makes him so happy (though their are some stressful points too). It's something he's been dreaming about forever.
Tomorrow I have a physical with my primary. I'm kind of dreading it. I'm sure I've put on some weight in the last year...I especially have been feeling it in the last two days. I don't know if it was this weekend of endless eating. I feel like there is a lot to go over with, with this doctor. I haven't seen her since my miscarriages. I don't know what all she needs to know, etc. And if there is anything she could help me with, etc. I've been feeling pretty shitty about my weight. I think I might have actually put on "winter weight" this year. My scale sucks. According to it I've only gained about 4 pounds...but it feels like a hell of a lot more. I want/need to exercise but it's so hard to get motivated when there is about two feet of snow on the ground. Especially when I don't have any good sneakers or warm enough work-out clothes. But yes, I know...these are just excuses. If I were rich, I'd have a personal trainer come and drag me out of bed every morning and make me work. I think that's what I need. Someone making me. I can't do it to myself for some reason. There are always excuses.

Oh well.
This is enough for now.

Sharing sadness

2005-02-08T19:02:00.000-05:00

Gosh. I really don't know where to start. I already know that I don't have the energy, patience, or time to write what I really want to write. So please bear with me through this entry. It will probably be a little scattered-brain. But...that's how I kind of feel...so it will be genuine.

This week has been the longest. Last Tuesday morning at about 7:15, just after Star left for work, the phone rang. It was my father-in-law calling to tell us that Star's aunt had just died. Star's aunt had been very ill for a very long time, at least 15 years. Since I've known Star (almost six years now), every holiday, birthday, family-gathering could possibly be his aunt's last. So to put it bluntly, we've always (especially Star) been waiting for the call. And it came early on Tuesday morning.
The thing is though, is that his aunt was a pretty amazing woman. She was determined, she was extremely intelligent, she was young (she'd just be turning 50 this coming Sunday), she was a sister, a mother, and a great aunt to Star. She also went through a lot of shit in her life. She endured a rough childhood with difficult parents, she married and divorced a man that didn't treat her well...he was horrible, and she dealt with something that probably anyone reading this entry has either dealt with or knows someone who has...infertility. In the early 80s after desperately trying to conceive, she realized that she wasn't able to have children "naturally". She attempted IVF. She attempted it when it was still in a sort of an experimental stage. She dealt with all of the bouts of drugs that went along with it. Unfortunately, these things didn't work for her. Nothing worked. She had various problems to contend with. While going through measures to get pregnant, she and her husband (they were married at this time) adopted a little boy, Star's cousin. After the adoption and giving up on getting pregnant, Star's aunt wrote a book about her situation. Unfortunately, the book didn't do so well. It did get a lot of attention when it first came out, but it seems that it came out during a time when people didn't really know what IVF, etc was.
Shortly after all of her treatments, her immune system started to fail her. She ended up going through various surgeries, including some that needed blood transfusions that didn't go well. She actually received a bad batch of blood that contained Hepatitis C. She had also developed a brain tumor.
This is kind of the short story of Aunt J. There's so much more I could say and will say when I have more time and patience for typing and thinking. This last week was hard in so, so many ways. Seeing my mother-in-law lose her only sister, and the last of her childhood family was hard. Watching my husband's cousins (Aunt J had also later adopted a Korean girl) look at their mother one last time, was heart-breaking. Not to mention my husband's loss. He adored his Aunt J. She was like an older sister he never had. All of this was so saddening.
Then there was the strange part. February 1st (the day that Aunt J passed) was the prospective "due date" of my first miscarriage. I very sadly regret that I never got to sit down with J and share conversation about a similar disappointment. I'm pretty sure she knew about it, though I never actually told her. At the wake, my mother-in-law was talking with a co-worker about another co-worker that wasn't able to come because she was watching a grand-baby. My mother-in-law made a comment about how the baby could have come, a baby would help soothe the situation. I couldn't help but think about our own little baby that never made it this far. How strange it could have been that our baby could have been born on the same day that Aunt J died.

I'm going to stop for now. There's still so much more in my mind. But like I said earlier...I don't have patience and I don't really have time. So later, I will come back and hopefully piece all of this together a little better.

Sad day

2005-02-01T19:40:00.000-05:00

Today is a hard day. In more ways than how I initially thought it would be.

Post-Big News

2005-01-29T14:02:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a strange day. Whenever I would remember that B and S were having a baby, it just seemed so un-worldly or something. It just seems crazy. If I forget (and I can't) that me and Star would almost be there, twice, I just can't get over that our best friends are going to be parents. It seems outrageous. I'm 28, my husband is almost 26. We've been married for almost three and a half years. We were the first of our friends to get married. People we know have just gotten married in the last year or so, most of them are actually a couple of years younger than me. I'm guess I'm trying to figure out when people have kids. I suppose we've (and our friends) have started a little early...with the whole marriage thing. It seems that these days, the norm is to get married in your early 30s and then have children a few years after that. Having children is something that makes you feel/seem "grown-up". I should re-phrase that...having children seems to make someone look more "grown-up". I can't quite put it in words, but though we've come close ourselves to starting a family...I just can't get over that we know personal friends starting families. Wow.
Then there's the whole other aspect to all of this. There are so many aspects of this...actually. Maybe all of this will hit me later or I'll start feeling bitter in a bit, but at the moment I seem to feel extremely excited about their pregnancy. And the only real sadness or jealousy I feel is that B and S are in freakin' Montana. I'm so extremely bummed out that me and Star can't drive the five minute ride, across the bridge to their apartment to hang out anymore. I know that S is not all that happy as to their situation right now. She hasn't been able to find a job (and now she really probably won't be able to), B is gone for at least 12 hours every day, they live in an basement-apartment under her sister...and they (S and her sister) aren't getting along all that well. I know that before they moved, she wasn't all that excited about it. There were little bits she was looking forward to, but overall, she wanted to stay here in Massachusetts. The thing that was making the move better was that there was hope of trying to save money. B was to get a good job building houses, etc. They were going to be able to put money away. S told me the other night that they are doing the same out there as they were doing here, with the whole making money and saving money thing. Montana (they are in Bozeman) is not as cheap as they had hoped/planned. And even worse, is that they are getting a little bit of a deal on their apartment since it's her sister's house. I feel so badly because beside the fact that S is severely lonely, it doesn't seem that what they/she had hoped would happen out of this move is happening. They seem to be in the same financial state and without the company they once had here.
Anyway...me and Star are hoping/planning to see them this summer. We were kind of thinking of it before all of this news...but now with the news...there's a type of urgency for the visit now...at least that's how I feel. I sent S an e-mail today telling her this, I hope it doesn't freak or stress her out. I hope that she would want that. I think she would.
The thing about all of this though...is that S doesn't know about our second miscarriage. I think I've written about this before. The second one happened about 2 and a half weeks before there wedding. I just didn't feel as though it was appropriate to say anything. I knew she would have probably wanted me to, but maybe I didn't feel up to it. Anyway...after their wedding, they were moving two weeks later. And between feeling emotional about my own stuff and then being severely upset about them moving, I didn't confide again. After they moved, I decided I would write S a letter. I never did. And actually, we've been really bad about communicating. I'll wait a bit...but I think maybe I should get that letter out of my system. Maybe in a couple of weeks. How do you go about something like this? Especially so long after the fact? Very few people know about our second miscarriage. It was a more painful one in many respects. We knew for a very short time (three days) that we were pregnant before I lost it. We only told our immediate family. And then, people at my work knew about it because I was out of work for a while. It was kind of hard to hide the fact that something major was going on.
At any rate...I suppose that none of this has really sunk in. I have a feeling that if they were close by, maybe I would have a much harder time dealing with their news. Seeing them often would have a different effect on the situation. I'm going to try not to analyze that aspect of it though. I'm going to be excited for now. I'm sure that I'm going to have ups and downs with all of this.
I'm going to have to get used to it.

It's happened...

2005-01-27T18:28:00.000-05:00

We just got word today that our best friends (the ones that just got married in September and moved to Montana in October) are expecting a baby.
Oh boy.
Needless to say, I'm feeling a whole range of emotions. Yes, jealousy is one of things, but not quite like how I thought I would feel it. The jealousy plays more in the way that I really wish we could be near them while they are going through this amazing thing. I am so sad that they live three days away. I want to be there to take S shopping for the baby. I want to watch her belly grow. I want to see B (husband) transform into the proud papa. I mostly (right now anyway) feel sad that we aren't near.
Of course, all of this has pretty strange timing...as these sorts of things would. If my first pregnancy had lasted, February 1st would be my due date. I can't help but imagine how cool it would be for me to be on my last week of pregnancy, listening to B and S news.
There's so much to say right now. But I won't get into it at the moment.
Life is so strange. Timing in life is even stranger.

Up to my eyeballs (actually, just my hips) in snow!

2005-01-23T13:00:00.000-05:00

Damn! There's a lot of snow around this place. It's fun actually. I'm enjoying being snowed in. At least, so far I am. I hoping for a snow day at the museum tomorrow. We'll see if that happens. And I'm sure that Star will get the day off tomorrow, being a teacher and all. The city of Boston has already cancelled school for Monday and Tuesday. I have a sneaking suspicion that the suburbs will do a similar thing.
So...for the most part, my cold is done. I still have a little pluggage in my ears, and I've still got more snot and a cough than I would like. But, I can breathe and not feel like I'm going to die. This cold was pretty nasty. I don't really know what it was. It was whatever was "going around". Even my doctor didn't give a diagnosis, she had the same thing herself. Oh joy!
So other than getting over being sick and the blizzard...there's not too much to report.

The first day in another sucky 4 years...

2005-01-21T07:56:00.000-05:00

Oh well.
Anyway...I seem to be getting better. I think. I don't want to jinx anything, but I do think I'm getting better. I fortunately had Wednesday off (it was my holiday), so I was able to get some stuff done, including making a visit to my Dr's office.
The Dr I saw on that day is one that I've only met once before. She's my primary and actually she's the one that recommended my Ob/gyn that I know feel like I know pretty well. The last time I saw this Dr was last January when I had a physical as a new patient. This Dr (Dr J) is the first American doctor I've ever had. Seriously. Growing up, my doctor was Indian. Then, when I was at college, the doctor there was from Wales. My doctor after that was Chinese. Then she left and got another Chinese doctor to take her place. The second Chinese doctor seemed to be very sweet, but I couldn't understand anything she said. She had a very thick accent. It got to the point that after I'd visit her, I'd realize that I only got about a third of what she said. That's not a good thing when your health is involved. Besides the communication problem, I also started to really dislike the office/clinic she was at. The receptionists were always in a hurry, seemed bothered when you came in, and I just realized...I didn't like it there. So, I did some searching around and heard of Dr J. She seemed kind of cool. She's from Texas and from what I could tell she seemed open to different kinds of alternative medicines, etc. She seemed like a different kind of doctor than what I was used to. And...probably what I like most about her, is that her office is the first floor of this really beautiful, huge Victorian house near the ocean. And when you go into the house, there's classical music playing and water to help yourself to. There's only a receptionist and I don't even think I've ever seen a nurse there before (I've only been twice). It's very small and quaint and definitely does not have the clinic-y feel to it. Dr J still has an accent (so pretty much all of my doctors my whole life, except for my Ob/gyn, have had accents), a Texan one I think, but I can understand her a whole hell of a lot better than doctors in the past.
So...having said all of this, I do like Dr J. But Wednesday was a whole different story.
First of all, I was very sure to get there early. I always try to be every where early (something my father instilled in me), especially doctor's offices. My appointment was at 11, I got there ten minutes early. When I walked through the door, the receptionist told me she'd be with me in a moment, so I could take a seat. So, I took a seat and waited. I waited for an hour! I have never in my life really waited that long at a doctor's office. I couldn't believe it.
Anyway...after all of the waiting, Dr J finally came in and spent all of about four and a half minutes with me looking at my ears and throat. She gave me what I wanted (a prescription) and I was out of there. I couldn't believe it.

The worst is over, I think

2005-01-19T08:15:00.000-05:00

It's been a busy last couple of days, even though I've kind of been down for the count.
So, of course, I was totally sick for the whole weekend. That sucks. I really wanted to do something, go somewhere, you know? I felt like I hadn't had a weekend in a while between unwanted houseguests, etc. But no. This last weekend was filled with cough drops, tissues, and movies on HBO, IFC, and Lifetime.
Then on Monday I somehow managed to get my butt into work. I kind of had to. Being a holiday, we were expecting masses of people (didn't really happen) and I was the supervisor du jour. So...I went in. Between a possible fever all day and trying to be sneaky (trying to watch/catch a possible co-worker stealing...I may get into this later), I was just about dead at the end of the day. Oh yeah...I also realized that I might have had a little too much decongestant for the day. One pill should last for 12 hours...I had two. I won't be letting Mr. Husband serve me my meds without checking the label first myself. He doesn't like to read directions. Anyway...when I got home on Monday, I immediately peeled off my clothes and got into a hot, hot tub with strawberry bubbles and had a glass of wine. Yes, this was before I realized I had too much drugs. I felt good after. I thought that maybe I was feeling better.
So, Tuesday I went into work, after having a horrible night of sleep. Everytime I was starting to fall asleep, I would wake myself up coughing. Yesterday morning started off pretty decent. But then sometime after nine in the morning, my head started to really plug up. And then from there it just got worse. At one point while blowing my nose, my right ear plugged up for 40 minutes. One of my co-workers noted on how swollen my glands were. And then there was the part were I felt like I had the hugest glob of mucus right behind my throat.
It was pretty bad.
That was the point when I decided to call the Doctor's office for an appointment. I had been putting it off, didn't want to go.
Of course, today I kind of feel better.
UGH!
If only they'd been open when I needed them to be on Monday.
So, that's what I'm going to be doing, going to the Doctor's and feeling kind of goofy because now I don't feel as sick. I feel like that when I go to see the Doctor, I've got to be near death's door. You know, to kind of make it worth it.

It's official...

2005-01-15T18:51:00.000-05:00

I'm sick. Really sick.
Snot and mucus everywhere. And just in time for the weekend too. That's how it always seems to happen. Sick in time for my days off.
Oh well.
Hopefully I'll be better for Monday. As it's a holiday, it will be busy at the museum. And I'm the supervisor that day.
I'll be fine
So...I've spent the day watching movies, or bits of movies. Oh yeah...and I've been making a stew in my crock pot. I thought that some good stew would be something to help heal me.
Other than that...there's not too much going on.

It's true...be careful what you wish for

2005-01-13T19:15:00.000-05:00

Or hope for.
With Star being sick for the last week, I was wondering when I was going to get whatever it was. His sickness started around Wednesday/Thursday of last week. Over the weekend I hoped that if I got sick that it would happen after my HSG. Sure enough...yesterday morning I woke up with swollen glands and a sore throat. It seemed to have gone away over the course of the day...but today...I woke up with the feeling even more so and with a nasty sounding/tasting cough. And the feeling never went away.
Apparently...I'm sick.
Oh well.
The worst part is that I kind of feel like I can't call out. I know I can, technically. But there is something in me that doesn't want to. This is such a terrible thing I'm about to say (but hey this is my blog and it's somewhat anonymous) but, the reason why I don't want to call out is because I secretly want to show up one of my co-workers who has called out at least one day a week for the last three weeks. How terrible does that sound? I know...it's pretty terrible. Anyway...this chic likes to milk everything for all it's worth. The first day she called out, she told me the day before that she didn't think she was going to make it in the next day. But, somehow she was able to laugh, sing, and carry-on with my other obnoxious co-worker. I feel like if you were really sick...you wouldn't be up for that.
Well, anyway...I don't feel good, but I'm not really that bad off. My job right now (winter season, really slow) is extremely low-key and if I need to go run to the bathroom to cough out my brains, no one will notice or care. Well...they may care...but I won't be bothering anything.
We'll see how I feel tomorrow morning.

I'm good! I'm good!

2005-01-12T17:30:00.000-05:00

It's done! It's over with. The HSG is a thing of the past. Hopefully I never need to have another one again.
Yesterday I ended up going into work for just under three hours in the morning before my appointment. That was a waste of my time because I was feeling stressed and irritable about my appointment. At noon, I was done and went back home to eat a light lunch and take my four Advil. Star was home (he's been fighting an upper respitatory infection for the last week) and was able to take me to my appointment (which was a very good thing in many ways). Fortunately, I was already pre-registered so I didn't have very much waiting to do. I got to experience a different part of the hospital (radiology) that I haven't previously experienced before. A very friendly tattooed (just on the back of her neck) nurse (I think) showed me to the little dressing area. It reminded me of a dressing room from a department store or something. She gave me my little johnny and "bathrobe" and I quickly changed and waited. Almost immediately a woman (I think she was an x-ray technician) opened a door to a crazy looking room with a big-ass machine. Everybody at the hospital was so friendly to me yesterday. It made a world of difference to me. Anyway, I went into the room and immediately saw my OB/gyn. She was very happy or something. She showed me all of the tools and explained what she was going to do. I was feeling a bit nervous. A pap smear is nothing to me. I don't even complain about those anymore because they are so minor. So...my Doc started the procedure, explaining everything as she did it. I started to cramp up almost right away. The longest part (though it was probably only 2 minutes) was waiting for the x-ray doctor (figures...a man) to come in to actually do the x-ray. While we were waiting for him, I was starting to get really uncomfortable. It was almost surreal. Maybe it was because I was getting kind of light-headed. I was in a lot of pain and I was on the table with a crazy machine over me. I've never, ever experienced any thing like that before. Finally the x-ray man came in and the monitor was turned on and was were I could see it too. Then...suddenly...my uterus was on the screen. Now...that was crazy. Up until this year...I have never had any health problems. I've never had a broken bone or even a cavity (until 6 months ago). So...until yesterday, I've never even seen any pictures of my insides before. I think it freaked me out a little bit. A couple of times, I had turn away from the screen because doubled with the pain of the cramps...it was almost too much for me to take at once. Anyhow...the actual x-ray part of the thing only last for a minute. My doctor was saying some things that I couldn't hear, but the x-ray-technician-woman next to me kept turning to me to say, "that's good, that's very good." So...though I was in some pain...I felt good. My Doc said that there were no blockages or openings and that my tubes looked good and thin, and clear.
So...as I felt kind of headachy and crampy as hell, I walked out of the hospital feeling good knowing that as of right now, my uterus and tubes are in good shape. It's an amazingly good feeling. It's such a relief. A month ago I didn't think we would ever know why I had the miscarriages, and I kind of didn't want to find out why. I was afraid. But...I think for now we have some sort of answer. I guess we won't really know for sure until we try again. And for now we aren't.
Thank you Crista for thinking of me yesterday. Thank you also for warning me too. Your positive vibes helped. I'm not used to having cramps, so when I actually got them yesterday, they were more than I planned. But I'd do it again to be told that everything "looks good".

Another trip to the hospital

2005-01-10T17:49:00.000-05:00

So tomorrow is the big day. I get to endure a HSG (I don't really remember the real word...I'd call it a "something-something-o'gram"). Tomorrow I'll go into work for two hours and then leave super early in order to go to the hospital to get stuff squirted up and into me. Oh yea.
A week ago, I was feeling cool about. No big deal. Everything will be good.
Today (and yesterday...maybe that was why I was crying so much watching the movie) I feel a little less brave about the x-ray. I already know that my progesterone is low. Hopefully that is all I have to deal with. But the worrying part in me is a little stressed about this next test. What if they see something? What if they see something really bad? What if it's something that is not fixable or something that's impossible to work with?
In reassuring myself I keep reminding myself that for the most part of my womanly life, I've had normal, regular periods. When I've had ultrasounds (only twice), I've been told that everything "looks good". They only thing they've noticed is that I have a tipped uterus...but that's another supposed "common" thing.
I want to say so easily that "everything will be fine". But the truth is is that I am a little bit nervous about this and I just really want everything to be right.

Me, crying like a baby

2005-01-09T16:11:00.000-05:00

Oh boy.
I just saw the saddest movie ever. It's called "My Life Without Me". Anyone ever see it? I'm not sure I've ever cried as much as I just did throughout the whole movie.
It's about a 23 year old mother and wife who finds out that she has a tumor that is rapidly spreading around from her ovaries to her stomach. She's told she has 2 months to live. She doesn't tell anybody (including her husband) and instead makes a list of things that she wants to do before she dies.
A very good movie (except for that she cheats on her husband which was a bit upsetting to me) but very sad.
Spending my Sunday crying.
It's been a short weekend.

Untitled...not feeling too creative at the moment

2005-01-09T13:04:00.000-05:00

I don't know where the last week went. It flew by, as usual.
I worked all week...and the some. Somehow I got talked into working a couple of extra hours last night (Saturday). It definitely wasn't worth my time. It's not like I'll get time and a half. I'd rather be with my husband than making a couple of extra bucks. Oh well.
Star's buddy came back this weekend. And with his "girlfriend". I kind of threw a bit of a fit about that. I feel kind of guilty about that. I don't enjoy throwing tantrums. Sometimes they just happen. I knew that there was a "threat" of him coming back up...but I didn't really think it was going to happen. And then to top it off...he was bringing company. The company is what I think really got to me the most. He has a girlfriend that he's met at church. If you knew the guy you'd know how ridiculous that sounds. Apparently, he forgot about his girlfriend when we were at the pub last weekend (New Year's Eve). So...besides having extra people in my house, I felt a sort of guilt whenever I looked at this girl because I knew that her guy was unfaithful to her just a week ago with us. Also...I suppose this is really bitchy and none of my business...but I can't help but want to warn this girl to get far away from the guy. He's trouble. But...it's none of my business (really) and he is Star's best friend. And, I guess that's another part that bothers me. I'm not comfortable when Star makes excuses for his friend. I think there are some things that you can't make excuses for.
Anyway...they showed up real late on Friday night. I was already in bed. Yesterday morning I had a hair appointment so I didn't see much of them the during the day. The girl (I should come up with some names) seems nice. I feel a kind of strange unnamed pressure. I feel like since this is Star's buddy's girlfriend...I'm supposed to become best friends with her. I already did that with his buddy's ex-fiancee. That didn't work out so well. I'm not the most outgoing person so it's difficult for me to act like I am.
Well...anyway...they are gone now. They just left about 20 minutes ago. I'm excited to have our apartment to ourselves. I feel like we haven't had that in a while. Star is sick. He's been sick since Friday. I'm wondering when I'll get it. I'm hoping that if I do have to get it that it will happen after Tuesday. Tuesday, I'm going in for my HSG. I haven't really thought about it too much. I've been assuming that it will be easy and that nothing will be wrong. Though every once in a while I do get a slight wondering of will happen if they do see something wrong. I don't think I'll be prepared for that.
I just try to keep thinking the positive thoughts.

Bringing in the New Year

2005-01-02T15:41:00.000-05:00

I survived the weekend. Oh boy.
Star's buddy (the one that sometimes drives me crazy) was here since Thursday night...Thursday night! He just left about a half hour ago. It was too long of a visit. Friday (New Year's Eve day) had been good. I went to do some errands. I came home, the guys unloaded the car. I was planning to make a nice dinner. We started having some drinks around 1:30, just hanging out around the apartment. It was a nice chill day.
Then after dinner, I noticed that Star's friend (I can't remember the name I once gave him) seemed a little fidgety. He and Star kept going out for a smoke. I could tell that Star was trying to keep him entertained. Meanwhile, my sister had come over and our neighbor (the one from upstairs) had come down too. Apparently, we all were not enough fun for our buddy. I was kind of offended by that. I kind of felt like he could certainly go find someone else to hang out with if we weren't exciting enough for him. We were planning on a low key night with a visit to the local pub at around eleven to bring in midnight.
Finally, 11:00 came around and we went down to the pub. My neighbor was extremely drunk. I was kind of nervous about going into any place with her. Meanwhile...Star's buddy picked up some chick from the bar and brought her over to the table with her friend. Star ended up having to bring our neighbor home because as she was walking out of the pub, she fell on a table. Then apparently, on the walk back to the apartment, she fell again banging her head of up real good.
What had started out as a nice chill New Year's Eve night...quickly turned into a crazy night. Our neighbor ended up being okay. And the buddy brought his new found friend back to our apartment. I was more than pissed. The guy's got some nerve.
Anyway...it's all over and I'm glad. Star's buddy is "threatening" to come up next weekend to see Star's band play on Saturday. I'm kind of hoping he goes back on his word because I'm really not in the mood for more. I need a break.

Happy New Year!

2004-12-31T16:19:00.000-05:00

It's New Year's Eve...but Happy New Year's anyway!
Tonight will be a small gathering of close friends/family. That's all I'm about to be up for these days.
It's only 4:18 in the late afternoon/evening and I've already had a couple of drinks (it's okay...I'm definitely not pregnant). We've started early this year. My sister will come over, Star's best buddy is here, and our fun, drunk neighbor is coming down too. We are going to have dinner and then just wait for the New Year to come in. We may visit the local pub...but we'll see.
Here's hoping for a better year to come!
Because...this year kind of sucked. I don't think I could handle anymore shit...not for a while...anyway.
Anyway...here's hoping...
HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all.

Sweet relief ahead

2004-12-29T20:39:00.000-05:00

Not too much going on today. I am on to my four day (yay!) weekend. And just in time too because the freaks visiting the museum in the last three days were really wearing down on my last nerve. I've been in "customer service" (whatever the hell that means) for the last eight years (when did I drop out of college?) of my life. Though I've been doing it for a little while now, I'm still always amazed by the idiots that come in thinking that they have an original thought in their head. When I was working the coffee shops it was the idiots coming in around Christmas thinking that the gift cards or mugs were a really cool idea. Then when they came in two days before Christmas, they'd be really surprised that we were low on stock because everybody else had the same exact idea. Duh.
At the museum...it's much the same. For the last month the place as been insanely slow. There are usually more (like twice the amount) staff and volunteers at the place than guests. This week, being the time when just about every one has time off, the place has been packed out. People have been "testy" with me because they are surprised to find out that every body else also decided to come visit the museum. Things are sold out, the place is crowded, etc. It's just funny to me.
Anyway, I'm glad to be out for the rest of week. When I go back it will be back to super slow.
Yipee.
So...one holiday down...another to go. New Year's. What the heck are we going to do? I have no idea really. Star's buddy (I've spoken about him before) is coming around Friday night. He'll be in around 7 pm and from there...I don't know what will be next. Hopefully something chill. That's what Star wants too. We were just thinking about hanging around here until around 11 and then go down to the local pub...just to bring in the New Year.
Here's hoping the New Year is SO much better than the last (the last six months).

Results are in...

2004-12-28T17:34:00.000-05:00

I've got low progesterone levels. I'm at a 7. Doc said that they usually like to see something between 12 and 15. The next thing she'd like me to do is a something-something-o'gram (I forget what the real name is...something I can't pronounce probably). Apparently when I get my next period I'm supposed to call her to set an appointment. I should call her back (she left a message) because I'm a little confused about this next round of tests.
As strange as it may seem to say...I'm kind of glad to know that my progesterone is low. Maybe we are pin-pointing this thing down. Progesterone issues seem to be somewhat normal.
I'm wondering what I can do to raise my progesterone levels. Can I eat a better diet? Exercise? Is there anything other than drugs?
Time for some research.

Day 21

2004-12-28T07:40:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was it. Day 21. I got to go to the hospital and be poked for some more blood. After 2+ months I was finally able to get to the lab to be able to get the test (first test in hopefully a short list of them) done. This one will be checking my progesterone (did I spell that correctly?).
It almost didn't happen though. First, I wasn't sure if we'd be able to get there with all of the snow that we got the other night (about 10 inches I think) and then when I came home for work, I couldn't find the lab slip that my doctor gave me. Once I finally found it we went off to the lab.
When we got to the hospital...the woman registering me remembered me. She totally remembered me. She asked me how I was, how my holiday was. It was a little weird, but nice.
Then I went into the lab. And the woman who took my blood remembered me. As she was looking at my arms she said "I think this is the one we go for." I made a little joke about the other woman remembering me and then she said, "Oh yeah...I remember you."
So...as me and Star were walking out of the hospital I told him that I have a feeling (I don't know why) that maybe this is the problem. Maybe it's just the progesterone. I suppose that's what I want it to be so that hopefully I don't have to do anymore testing and there seems to be easier ways to deal with the problem. It would be so good to know what the problem is. Though, of course, what would be the best thing would be is to not have a problem...I think it's a little late to be that innocent. Clearly something is wrong.
Fingers crossed.

Merry (Belated) Christmas!

2004-12-26T13:36:00.000-05:00

And Happy Boxing Day too.
What is Boxing Day? I dunno...I'm sure I could look it up somewhere. Maybe I will.
Christmas this year has been good. I think I really enjoyed it. Which is a relief because I was a little nervous a couple of days ago.
That's all for now.

Baby and flying dreams

2004-12-22T07:50:00.000-05:00

Even though I used to think of myself as a loner, I realize these days that I don't really do well sometimes by myself. Last night, Star was at band rehearsal when I got home from work. So...I had 5-9 to myself at the apartment. Usually I don't really mind some time to myself. But for some reason last night, the lonesome time allowed me to start freaking out about stuff...mostly money. I thought I'd take some time and write out a couple of checks (maybe not such a great idea a few days before Christmas) that are due this week. As I was writing out a hefty check for the dentist's office, I thought that it was possible that I could have a panic attack. Suddenly all of these thoughts just rushed to my brain. The rent is due (overdue). Some of the utilities are due next week. Then the week after that our big credit card payment is due. How on earth will we ever afford a condo? How could we ever have a child on our budget? And then that just gets me real down.
Before we had the miscarriages, our only plan really was to have children when we could afford them. And it wasn't that we were planning to be super rich at that time, we just wanted to be comfortable. Since the second miscarriage, I suddenly feel this urge to have children as soon as we can. I feel like time is running out or something. Like this morning, I realized that I was ovulating and was half thinking...oh...what if we were to try this time? But it be foolish (almost stupid) to try, to even think about having kids. First of all, I need to make sure my body is healthy, and secondly...we have no money. We couldn't possibly afford to have a baby.
Last night I had a dream that me and Star adopted a day-old newborn from Nairobi, Africa (not sure if I spelled that correctly). It was a very strange dream because I remember seeing the plane land. We seemed to be right under the plane when it landed. As soon as the plane stopped, I had the baby in my arms. It was a little boy. We took the baby home and as soon as we did...it seemed to turn into a cat because it was using the cat box. Weird dream, huh?
As weird as that dream was though, waking up this morning I could still feel what it was like to hold the baby in my arms. I don't think I've ever really held a newborn baby in my arms, in real life. But in dreams, I do often and it's such a feeling, a feeling that I still feel in the morning after I wake up. I can't help but wonder if I will ever get to experience it in real life. It's kind of like dreams I had as a child and teenager about flying. While dreaming, it feels so real. But then you wake up.

Four more days

2004-12-21T17:21:00.000-05:00

Christmas shopping (almost...just one gift, but I don't really count it because it's just a $10 stocking stuffer from Dunkin Donuts) complete!
Yeah...it feels good.
What's even better is that I was only shopping around for about 3 hours. It's a record.
So now...I kind of feel like I can relax.
Kind of. My apartment feels like it exploded a little. But I always feel that way when I'm a little stressed. I'm not sure exactly why I feel stressed, but I do a little. It's kind of sneaking up on me. Some of it has to do with Star. He really doesn't enjoy this time of year. He gets stressed because of his family...so then I get stressed because I worry about him not feeling right. It's a vicious circle, you could say. We won't be seeing his family at all this holiday. I think that in the last three years, we've managed to get down there sometime around now...but we just couldn't swing it this year. I think he feels some guilt about that, even though he doesn't much want to go down anyway.
I also feel a little strange because I can't help but think every once in a while that I could be pregnant right now. We would be expecting. The holidays would be so different this year if everything had worked out. I think that we would have finally gotten our folks to come to us. We'd be getting all kinds of crazy baby gifts. Everything would be so exciting (and still scary too, I bet). Though our family, some friends, and co-workers (that knew) were really great after our last miscarriage, I kind of feel like other people have forgotten. Not that I want other people to remind me...no way...but I guess like I feel that some (my mom, etc) don't realize that I'm still very sad about this. And in a way, the holidays are kind of bringing it up a little. I've never lost (death) anyone really close to me before, but I kind of have an inkling of what that might feel with our lost baby. I've heard that often people who have lost loved ones have an especially hard time around the holidays. Though I only knew about our baby for three days before I lost it, I kind of feel like I understand what some may feel around the holidays.
Though I think these things...I kind of feel like I'm feeling them outside of my body. I feel a little disconnected. It's strange...I'm having a hard time explaining.

The Day

2004-12-20T08:06:00.000-05:00

This is it. Today is the day that I play "catch-up". I've got to finish my Christmas shopping today. Ugh. Next year...I'm doing this right. I'm starting in July or something. I say that every year...but really...I've got to do it that way or I'm running the risk of giving myself an ulcer (I've probably got one already).
The weekend was interesting. Friday night was nice. Me and Star went into Boston to see a show (Evan Dando). It was one of the most relaxing "club" experience I've ever had. We got to sit! Boy does that make a difference. Saturday, I went out for lunch with my sister and then that was about it. One of Star's best friend's came up from Philly around 2:00 pm. We hung out and then went back into the city to see a friend's band. That was kind of a strange night. The show was at some gallery in an artist "colony" of some sort in South Boston. It was nice and all, but the guy running the gallery was trying to charge $7 and there was no bathroom in the joint. It was also BYOB (seemed a bit sketchy). I don't know...I guess I was feeling kind of old. And actually, I think there's a huge chance that I was the oldest person at the show. There are more reasons for why it was strange night...though I don't feel like getting into the details now. Basically...I don't feel as cool and hip has I might have at one time and I especially feel un-cool at gatherings like that. I'm also reminded of shit that we've endured in the last couple of months...the naivete is gone. I miss it.
Yesterday we went to an open house at a friend's. Other than not knowing anybody there except for three people...it was okay. There was an adorable kid named Jack there. He was fun. And then there was his mom. She was pregnant and due April 30th (about 2 weeks after I'd be due if I were still pregnant). So...that was a little wierd. I couldn't stop thinking about how I'd have a belly now if I were pregnant. A belly with big boobs. I wasn't really feeling anything...maybe just numb. Then the mommy talked about how she and her husband had moved into her dad's house because she's a stay-at-home-mom. Her poor husband commutes an hour to get to work and then goes home to his father-in-law. She didn't say that...(poor) I was just thinking it. She just said..."the sacrifices you make". I was thinking..."no thanks"...maybe I don't want kids.
Her son was adorable though...and he really liked me.
Well...
I'm off. I need to get going. It's going ot be a long day.

Mexican and Middle-Eastern foods DO NOT mix

2004-12-16T08:15:00.000-05:00

ACK!
Stress time. How many days until Christmas?! I'm not doing well. I pretty much still need to do all of my shopping. To top things off...I just found out that one of my husband's friends is going to be crashing out at our place this weekend. This gets me going. He could possibly not pick a more incoveint time for us. I'm not feeling the Holiday cheer with this one. Especially when he is already planning to be here at New Year's too. I think we need to start charging a rate.
The past week has been a little crazy. Last night was one of two nights that we've actually been home in the last week. I fell asleep on the couch at 9:30 watching "West Wing". I feel kind of bad...but I think I get sleepy when I get pissed. It was about an hour after I found about our surprise guest coming. I can't really be mad at my husband (ever) because it's not his fault that his best friend is one of the most inconsiderate people in the world. My husband is a good friend. In fact, that's one of the many reasons why I fell in love with him so. This one particular friend knows that Star will almost never say "no". And I'll play along with it too. Even though I'm cursing him out under my breath with a smile on my face.
So...in the last week I've been to three work holiday parties. One of Star's and two of mine. In between all of that we went into Boston on Sunday to do some "Christmas shopping"...we never really did any. We went to the MFA again because I wanted Star to see the Art Deco exhibit. We saw our friend and decided to meet up with her after she got out of work for drinks. So we met and soon, drinks turned into dinner and more drinks. I ended up getting extremely sick. Not because of the drinks...but because like an idiot I had Mexican for lunch and Middle Eastern food for dinner. Apparently these foods don't mix (though Star...who actually has IBS did alright...of course he stays away from the real spicy and I don't). I think I might have felt the effects of these foods for three days. Today is the first morning since Sunday night that I've felt most myself.
Of course...then I think things like...maybe I'm pregnant. It can't be possible since I've just had my period and we've been super, super careful. It's happened to us before though
y...I should be getting ready for work right now. I get a half day...hooray! But then I get to go to the dentist (I feel like I was just there) for a cleaning.

Thursday

2004-12-09T07:22:00.000-05:00

Things did work out. I probably sounded like a cry baby yesterday but I was almost at my wit's end. It's that time of month...I'm allowed.
After I wrote that blog yesterday I did manage to get the car going. I got gas, did some window-shopping, got my brows done, and even managed to make it to a mall that is a little ways from home...but they have the H&M and that's where I really wanted to go.
I did have a little problem when I got home. I couldn't get into the front door the apartment building. My key wouldn't work. I spent about 10 minutes on that. Ugh. Finally my neighbor came down to let me in. I hope that thing isn't sticking today.
There's a lot scheduled for today.
I'm taking the train into the city where I'm planning to go to the MFA to visit a friend (she works there) and do some looking around. It's been a long time since I've done that. Then...I'm going to go to Harvard Square for a meeting...then I'll meet some friends and will go to Somerville where my husband's band is playing a show.
It's going to be a full day.
I hope I'll make it through.

Frustration

2004-12-08T10:54:00.000-05:00

I want to cry right now. But I know that it would be stupid because it wouldn't help things and it's not that important.
I've been counting on this day off for over a month to get some stuff done for Christmas.
First, we don't have much money because our fucking bank has decided to charge us $162 in overdraft charges for I don't-know-what-the-fuck-for. I won't get into all the details, but basically, I think the charges are a bit wrong and I hope it will be figured out soon. So...since the moo-la is low at the moment, I won't be doing any Christmas shopping today. This is the first reason why the day is a waste.
Secondly...I did make an appointment for a brow wax today. This is one of the few luxuries I allow myself. It doesn't cost much, I get it done about once a month, and it makes me feel good...I get a new face after I have one. I was supposed to have an appointment at 11:15 a.m. It is now 10:59 a.m. It takes about 20 minutes to get to the salon. I won't be going because my fucking car won't start. I did call to postpone the appointment until 1:30...I hope I can even make it to that.
It was pouring rain around here yesterday. My car doesn't like to start when it's been raining. It's kind of finicky. After a while, it will start...but it takes a while. Too boot, I'm almost out of gas. So...I'm kind of nervous about just letting it run because I don't want to run out of gas on top of everything else.

I know that life could be a whole lot worse right now. I know that. I know that there are people out there with a hell of a lot worser problems than I have at the moment. But...I'd just like to be able to get to my waxing appointment at least. That's all I really want right now. Oh yeah...I'd like to be able to get gas into my car too. So...if I could just get some gas and wax...I'd be in a lot better of spirits.

Maybe I'm asking for too much.

Good, good, good

2004-12-08T08:03:00.000-05:00

Yay...day off!
Originally, the plan was to do some Christmas shopping today. Unfortunately...there isn't really any money because I spent it all on bills (well, there is money but not enought to get the bulk of the Christmas shopping done like I've been planning). Good bills like electric, gas, phone...etc. We both get our paychecks tomorrow so that's good timing. Except for not really because tomorrow I'm taking the train into the city to see my good friend and going to an "informational session" at a school that I'm very much thinking about taking a night course from this coming Spring.
Anyway...today I will get my brow waxing (they're looking bad) and do some Christmas window shopping. You know, get an idea of what I want to buy before I buy. I may also make a trip to H&M (best store ever...wicked cheap too) to see if there maybe something for a Christmas party that we are going to on Friday.
We are going to Star's work's Christmas party. I'm a little nervous. First, I'm always a little nervous going to parties where I don't really know anyone. I've been to this party for the last two years...but I'm just not really most outgoing person so parties are always a little bit of work for me. The second reason why I'm a little nervous is because the expecting parents will be there. In the three years that Star has worked at this school, this particular co-worker has never gone to these Christmas parties. This year they are coming. I'm looking forward to seeing them. They are very sweet people. But, I'm also a little nervous...of course. I just hope that no stupid by-standers will make any comments like "When will you two have one?" I know, I'm just a bit hyper-sensitive.
Yesterday at work, I was talking to two of my co-workers. We were talking about what we like to eat...what kinds of foods. I was saying that in the last week I've been craving seafood enchiladas. One of them asked me, "Are you pregnant?"...she was just kidding around. She's only been at the museum for 2 months and she knows nothing about my miscarriages. My only reply was, "I better not be", with a laugh. But my stomach just about dropped because this was a few hours before my period started so I was a tad bit nervous.
I'll be fine on Friday night. I hope Star will be. He will be too, though.

So...this month I think will the month that I will get that progesterone blood test done. I'm supposed to count 21 days from the first day of my cycle. I started last night. Should I count 21 days from last night...or 21 days from the first full day. I should call that nice nurse at the office.

It's here...

2004-12-07T19:32:00.000-05:00

Yup...my period. Little disappointed (I always am these last few months) but also glad because that's another cycle down. Another cycle closer to being able to try again, for real. At least I can have my glass of wine guilt-free.
Ugh.
I asked Star today if he told his co-worker about our experiences this last Summer. He told him a couple of days ago. I guess his wife went for her first ultrasound today. She must be around eight weeks or something? I don't know. The reason why they waited so long to tell people was because of fear of having a miscarriage. (Note to self...keep it to ourselves the next time we get pregnant.)

On to the good part of the day...I don't have to work for the next two days!!! Yipee.

Back up

2004-12-06T21:10:00.000-05:00

Oh...I should back up. I should say a little more about the rest of the weekend. For instance, maybe I should say a little something about my mini-breakdown on Friday night. It was the first time I've cried for myself in the last month (couple days before my birthday).
So...on Friday night...me and Star had a little date. We went to see the movie "Kinsey" (very good by the way...slow in some parts and really sad in others) and after that we went for dinner. When we got home it was around eleven. So, we sat on the couch and watched some television. Somehow we ended up watching that program "Family Bonds" again. Silly show. It is kind of funny. There are some humorous parts to it. Unfortunately, however, the episode that we happened to tune in to was the one will the daughter gives birth. It was interesting. I was interested in the process of the birth and all that. I wasn't even (really) thinking about myself. But then, she finally gave birth and everyone (on the show) was crying. And all of the sudden...I burst out in tears. I was bawling. The first couple of tears I was able to play off. I think I was crying out of one eye at first. But then all of the sudden it all came out and I couldn't hide it anymore. And what was worse was that I felt paralyzed. I couldn't get off of the couch. I couldn't even go hide and cry because I felt depleted of any energy.
I think I might have scared the crap out of my husband for a little bit.
I did manage to get up and go to the bathroom, blow my nose, wipe my tears. I felt horrible. I felt like shit. I hated that a stupid reality television show made me bawl like that.
When I went back into the livingroom, Star just held me. He didn't say anything. He just held me. That was all I needed.
Some days there isn't anything to say.
Like the day before the bawling incident, Star told me about a close friend at work who just told him that he and his wife are expecting. Ugh. That kind of seemed like it came out of nowhere. Obviously we are happy for the co-worker and his wife...but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it's kind of awkward. I should be pregnant right now. This should be something that Star is sharing with his co-worker. They are very close and what is hard is that Star never told this guy about our miscarriages this Summer (Star is a teacher...our first miscarriage happened about a week before school ended this last June...the second happened about two weeks before school happened). It's something that he has thought about telling him because they are close...but it's just never come up. And how do you bring it up? Especially when someone just tells you that they are expecting.
While my whole staff at work knows about our situation, Star never shared any of this with his co-workers. But...like I said earlier...this is something he's thought of sharing with this one particular guy. I suggested to Star that he tell this guy when it is more comfortable so that he (Star) doesn't have to feel awkward or like he's stretching to act enthusiastic when the whole time thinking about what we've missed out on. He hasn't done it yet...but he may. We'll be seeing them at the work Christmas party this coming Friday. It's going to be difficult.

Meanwhile...I'm a day late.
Yeah...I know...I shouldn't be concerned. But I am a little. I'm concerned that I got so incredibly sick a week and a half ago and I'm still not quite sure why. I'm concerned because I haven't felt pre-menstrual. I'm concerned because even though I probably got a fucking UTI because of the spermicide condoms we've been using...with our luck we'd probably still get pregnant.
And the hard part is that I want to pregnant. I want to be pregnant so badly! But I know that after only having two cycles since my last miscarriage...getting pregnant right now would probably not be a good idea. Especially since I have a bad feeling that it would not end in the right way.
Oh this sucks.
I wish it were about six months from now. Or maybe four. Yeah...March would be good. Maybe we would be closer to getting our own place and closer to planning a healthy family.
I need to relax.

Let the Holidays begin

2004-12-06T08:06:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a good day. We got our Christmas tree, we went to three open houses (condos, really), I did some cooking, my sister came over for our Thanksgiving re-do, and we trimmed the tree. It was nice. It kind of made me look forward to the holidays.
The open houses were interesting. We actually made it to three. The first one was probably my favorite. It was a two bedroom (bedrooms were kind of small...smaller than what we are used to because our bedroom right now is wicked huge and we'll probably never find a bedroom like that ever again), with a dining room/office area, french doors leading to the livingroom area, good sized kitchen (maybe larger than what we have now), with a washer/dryer, huge windows and wood floors (that's really probably what I liked the most). The only immediate work I'd want to do is to get rid of the wallpaper in the kitchen...but other than that...it looked pretty good. The price is actually about 10,000 dollars cheaper than what we are looking. And the seller is "motivated" so we'd probably be able to go down even lower. The negatives about the place...it's in a pretty big unit (I think 9 other condos are in the building) and it's in a not so desirable part of town. But it's on the outskirts of that part of town...and I personally think that part of town is changing a little bit. It's getting a little better.

Oh shoot...I'm running out of time...I need to get to work.

More later.

There's no place like home for the holidays

2004-12-05T10:35:00.000-05:00

So...last weekend was a bust. It was very disappointing. And furthermore it really sucks because we won't be seeing the in-law's around Christmas this year. So...last weekend was the holiday for us to share.
On the way down to NJ, I was slowly beginning to feel really funny. I felt like my kidneys were sore or something. But then, I thought that maybe I was just imagining that. I was sleepy and trying to ignore the feeling of wanting to urinate. We finally made it to the in-law's at around one in the morning.
The next morning, I woke up extremely early needing to use the bathroom. I was in a little bit of pain. I did go back to sleep for a little while and when I woke up at around nine o'clock, I felt terribly sick. My stomach was an awful mess. I couldn't tell if I needed to throw up or poop. It's one of the most terrible physical feelings I've ever experienced. We were supposed to go to a soup kitchen to serve Thanksgiving dinner for folks. Even the thought of food made me seriously ill. So, I ended up staying at the house while my husband and mother-in-law went to serve food. Meanwhile, my father-in-law was seriously sick. He slept the whole day in his easy chair while I belly-ached watching the Macy's parade and dog show.
Star and his mom came back about 3 hours later and had lunch. I did manage down a couple of bites of soup and yogurt after a shower. Soon after that...I felt like was going to throw up again. So, I took a two hour nap. Around six o'clock I woke up and once again felt immediately sick. It was terrible because we were just about to have our Thanksgiving dinner (which didn't include turkey because my in-law's are vegetarians). I couldn't make it to the table. I just couldn't. So...I went back to bed. And...Apparently my father-in-law didn't make it to dinner either because he was so sick.
The next day...my husband brought his dad to the ER to get some chest x-rays. I was still terribly sick to my stomach. I was also mad at myself because I was worried about my father-in-law. When he's not feeling well it's very serious because he was in a terrible auto accident about a year and a half ago. He now has various health conditions that are very serious. They ended up admitting him to the hospital because they figured out that he still had a pneumonia from a couple of months ago. They were concerned about fluid getting to his heart.
Somehow we got through the weekend. My father-in-law got to go home on Monday. We made it home after being on the the road for 10 hours (it's supposed to be a 6 hour trip). I figured out (I think) that it was the antibiotic that made me sick. Fortunately I had only one dose left before I was to be finished...so the UTI was pretty much over too.
It was so good to get back home.

So...tonight we are going to have the Thanksgiving dinner we never had with my sister and without a turkey. The turkey's were too big and expensive...so I just got a large roasting chicken (I think I like chicken better anyway...more moist). We'll have all the fixings and my sister's bringing a pumpkin pie to boot. Yum.
I'm hoping that we will get our Christmas tree today and maybe tonight we can trim after dinner with a little egg nog and bourbon.
Things are busy. I haven't started my shopping for the holiday and today we are going to look at open houses. We are looking for a condo. I want one so bad...but I'm so scared to death of the process of getting one. I'm afraid that no one in their right mind will give us a mortgage. We've got a lot of debt, though we are trying to turn that around.

So...there's my update.

Worst holiday weekend ever

2004-11-29T07:43:00.000-05:00

No...really. It was.
Let's see...I started to get sick on the way down to NJ. The ride should take 6 hours...it took 7. Which isn't so bad during holiday traffic...but it's terrible when you have a UTI.
Next...Thursday morning I woke up super sick. I wanted to throw up and I couldn't. We were supposed to go to a soup kitchen to serve dinner to homeless folks...but even the thought of food made me seriously ill. So...I stayed home with my even sicker father-in-law. He had leftover pneumonia. The two of us stayed home while my husband and mother-in-law went to the soup kitchen. While I continued be sick throughout the whole weekend, my father-in-law ended up getting admitted to the hospital.
I'll get into more detail later. There was even more crap that happened.
Ugh.
I'm so glad to be home.
Home Sweet Home

The fun never stops around here

2004-11-23T20:03:00.000-05:00

Yeah...it doesn't.
I'm self diagnosing here...but I believe that I am the not-so-proud recipient of a urinary tract infection.
What the heck?
I just figures.
And it hurts like hell.
Not to mention that it's embarrassing.
It started at work today. I was sitting (on lunch break) in the back room eating my Luna bar (aka lunch) looking through my wallet. I don't know what exactly I was looking for...but I was just looking. I'm always surprised by what I find in my own wallet. There are all kinds of goodies. Like old Starbuck's freebies or business cards of people I would never go to...but for some reason...I have their card. Anyway...I was browsing when I recognized the little card that the hospital that I go to...I saw their card. At the hospital (even if you just going for lab work), they give you a little card so that when you go to register...they have most all of your current stuff. So...anyway...I noticed the card and I thought to myself how it was so nice I haven't had to go there in a while. I actually thought those words to myself.
Right after that, I decided that I would go down the street to the local coffee shop and get myself a cup of Indian Spice Chai. On the way out...I stopped at the bathroom. After urinating...I realized that I kind of felt like I had to go again...but I thought that maybe it was just my imagination. So I proceeded to the coffee shop.
After the coffee shop, I went to this cute little shop that sells the best candles. While browsing the shop, I realized that I had that uncomfortable feeling again. So I headed back to the museum to take care of business before I had to head back on the floor.
For the next two and a half hours I dealt with running to the bathroom every 15 minutes. Then...the times got closer. Finally I talked with a lady I know who kind of has experiences with UTIs. I asked her about the common symptoms and she almost immediately insisted that I get to the Dr's right away. At first I was a bit hesitant. But then I realized that we are driving (at least) six hours down to NJ tomorrow night. The last thing in the world I need to deal with is a pee problem.
So...I got in touch with my trusty ol' pals at the OB/Gyn office. They faxed papers to the lab and I just had to show up after I got out of work. Except for when I got out of work and went home to change...the pain got MUCH worse. So...for two hours I couldn't be more than 15 feet away from our bathroom. I couldn't even make the trip to the hospital. And to top things off...I seemed to be bleeding too.
UGH!!!!!!!
Finally around 7:00...we got to the hospital. Once I was there...I spent five painful minutes in the bathroom and then I was done.
Now I'm waiting.
Waiting for the Doctor to call to tell me that I have what I already know I have and prescribe some pills for me.
Oh...and by the way...I could barely pee.
Oh yeah...and then the pee was red. I think that scared my hubby a little.

I'm trying to have a good attitude about this right now. Trying to be funny. I feel like I'm finally getting my money's worth out of our health insurance with all the trips to the Dr's office I've made in the last five months.

UGH.

Holiday prepping

2004-11-23T07:47:00.000-05:00

Well...it's here...holiday time.
It does start earlier and earlier every year, right? It's not just my imagination. Of course, going up to Montreal in the first week of November kind of screwed up my sense of "holiday-time" too. They start early up there. Everything was decked out in Christmas stuff.
I do like the holidays and I'm going to try to enjoy them this year. It's hard though. It's hard trying to split up the time between our two families. My parents are in CT and Star's are down in NJ. My parents don't care to travel anywhere and Star's parent's are kind of bound to their home because of sick aunt and an elderly grandmother. And that's another reason why we go down there, to see them. They can't really travel. Everything just kind of seems hectic. Since we've been married we have managed to flip the holidays. One year we go to CT for Thanksgiving and NJ for Christmas...the next year we flip it.
Every year me and my husband hope and wish that we could have a holiday with both sets of parents. I don't know if that will ever happen. The in-law's have responsibilities down in NJ and my parents are insecure and anti-social. I used to always say that when we have kids we are going to make them all come up to us. I can't help but wonder how different the holidays would be right now if I were still pregnant. I have a feeling that they all would be coming to us.
Thinking about what things would be like if I were still pregnant is too strange. I kind of imagine myself as some sort of alter-ego. I'd be more responsible, more organized, more grown-up. Christmas sure would be different this year. It'd be a hell of a lot more exciting.
While I'm looking forward to going down to NJ this weekend...I'm also a bit nervous about it. We haven't seen the in-law's since July. The miscarriage happened in late August. I know that whenever Star talks to them on the phone they want to know about my health and if I've been to the doctor's, etc. I know it's out of concern that they ask these questions...but I guess I'm just still not up for lots of conversation and questions. When we saw them in July, I had a conversation with my mother-in-law about my first miscarriage and it was a good conversation. But this time around...I still feel so much more sensitive.
I hope I can keep it together. I haven't cried in a couple of weeks...I hope I don't burst this weekend.
Last week's episode with "Colleen and Camille" left me very distraught for a couple of days. It brought a lot of feelings up and out again. Today I'll see Colleen. I'm hoping to God that I'm not stuck to any post too long with her. I don't want to listen about her hard life in her big house with weekend trips to NYC. I don't want her to tell me things anymore. In fact...I never really wanted her to tell me things at all. For some reason people just do.
I suppose I should go get ready for work.

Gossip is evil

2004-11-21T09:45:00.000-05:00

It's a rainy Sunday morning. Our apartment is a mess, and I kind of feel like not doing anything about it. But there is a nagging part of me that does want to do something about it. I always feel that once the week starts, I'll not do any kind of picking up or cleaning. Especially since we are going away towards the end of the week. We are going down to the in-law's for Thanksgiving. We are leaving on Wednesday night and coming back on Sunday. I don't think we've been down there since Christmas. I can't believe that much time has gone by since we've last been there. We were supposed to go down back in August for a family reunion. But, that was the weekend of my second miscarriage. Boy, I'm glad we didn't go down there then.
So...obviously, I have not been writing much. Not much has been going on. Up until the other day, I hadn't been pissed about too much. So...I suppose that may be why I haven't been writing. I find that I'm here more when I have something to say...and that's usually when I'm pissed off about something.
Something did happen the other day. I'm still bothered, but I've cooled off for now. The anger may surge again. I found out on Thursday that one of my co-workers had lunch with a former co-worker on Wednesday. I found out that on this lunch, words were spoken about me and my "condition". At first, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Then immediately after that I said, "Oh...that's okay." Then a few hours after that...I realized that was extremely pissed for various reasons.
Let me set up the scene a little. Let me describe (if I can) the two women doing the talking. Colleen (I'm using fake names) is a forty-something divorcee with two teenaged daughters. She was divorced a few years ago (I'm not sure exactly) and seems to be having a pretty hard time with it still...though I think she tries to play of that she doesn't. She lives in a big old beautiful house in a very nice part of town. I'm guessing this is something she got in the divorce. When she was married, she was a stay at home mother. I don't know this for sure...but I think this may be the first job she's had in a while. It doesn't appear that she needs to work at the museum. I think she just does for something to do. She only works 2-3 days a week, and while she's there she seems bored or bothered. She'd definitely rather be somewhere else. Though she divorced a wealthy man, I think she also came from some money too. I realize this from time to time when we talk. I don't feel any sort of connection to her. We actually talk quite frequently and I've even given her some details about my miscarriages (as far as doctor appointments, etc). I've thought she was someone good to talk to about medical things. For the most part, I really like Colleen. But I am often realize that we come from two totally different worlds. She once called me a "reverse snob" because I was cranky one day about this obnoxious woman flaunting her wealth (it happens a lot at the museum...it's sickening) trying to get into a sold out exhibit. I wouldn't give it to the woman. It was sold out long before she got there and I did not find it fair to give in to her just because she apparently has money (and I say this because she really was trying to use her money has a factor for her to get into the exhibit). Anyway...after this woman left, she complained to the director of the museum and it got back to our staff. Apparently, the director agreed to give this woman a personalized tour of the exhibit the next time she was in town. I'm sorry, but this makes me sick. I'm quite sure that the director wouldn't do that for someone who didn't flaunt their wealth. Anyway...Colleen called me a reverse snob because I thought that that was wrong. She said she wasn't serious...but it pissed me off nonetheless and it's something I haven't forgetten.
The other woman (actually I think of her as a girl because she's about five years younger than me), we'll call Camille, is someone who hasn't worked at the museum for quite a while...maybe about 10 months or so. When she worked at the museum, I never actually worked with her. I was in a different department. But we hung out a few times with another girl (who is a good friend) and Camille and I know a lot of mutual people. She went and graduated from the same college that me and my husband went to. We were mostly acquaintances. After she left the museum, we actually ran into each other more because she started hanging out with a pretty good friend of ours. So, we see Camille more now. Camille is nice girl...but I wouldn't quite trust her with too much. She has some major insecurity problems. She's very tall, she has a model's body and come to find out, she's actually done some modeling lately. She's really into fashion. She's someone to hang out with at a party, but that's kind of it. She's a bit surfacy. Mostly, I like Camille...but I wouldn't tell her too much about my life.
But...I don't need to because apparently Colleen did.
On Thursday, I was at work chatting with Colleen. She said that she'd seen Camille the day before when they had lunch together. First of all...I must just say that I find it strange that Camille and Colleen would hang out together anyway. I don't know what in the world they would have to talk about (I guess I was one of the subjects). I think they may talk about fashion. I think Colleen's sister works down in NYC as a designer for one of the bigger places, Kate Spade or something. Anyway...they are having lunch and I guess my name came up. Camille told Colleen that she'd seen me last Friday night (we did see each other briefly at a very loud bar. We kind of talked a little, but it was strange cause I didn't have much to say to her plus I couldn't really hear). Camille told Colleen that that I seemed "off" (Camille doesn't really know me, I should stress again...so she wouldn't really know if I seemed off). Colleen decided to take it upon herself and fill Camille on my miscarriages. She said that Camille was very sad and upset for me and my husband. After she told me this, she quickly said that she hoped I didn't mind that she told Camille.
While she told me this...I think I was kind of in shock. I couldn't believe that Colleen was sharing this with Camille. But then I thought that if Camille was still working at the museum then she would have known anyway.
A few hours after I had the conversation with Colleen, I started to get angry. It dawned on me, first, that she had absolutely no business talking about me to Camille. I realized that I came up because she probably had nothing to talk about with her so my situation was good gossip for them. Secondly, it pissed me off because I realized/remembered that Camille knows a lot of mutual people that me and my husband know. People that we either have not told about the miscarriages for reasons or people that have no business knowing about them. I know people talk. I know it happens because I've definitely been guilty of gossip myself. The only people that know about our second miscarriage are people at work (because I was out for a week and a half) and our families. Not even our closest friends know. And with our first miscarriage, only our very closest friends knew (besides people at work...again because I was out for so long) about it.
Friday morning, I felt sick about it. When I went to work, I was so upset. Fortunately, Colleen wasn't there. I don't know if I would have said something or not. I'm still thinking that maybe I should say something to her. But what do I say? What good would it do? She can't take it back. I don't want to contact Camille. I would hope she wouldn't talk...but I know that's asking for the impossible. It's something I don't need the world to know. I don't need old friends to know that I might not be able to have kids. It's nobody's goddamn business.
And...I think what pisses me off the most is that the gossip came out of two people that are so fucking depressing - a wealthy divorcee who has nothing better to do than hang out with a girl that starves herself and can't hold a job. I realize that's harsh...but it's what I feel. Couldn't they have just kept there discussion to handbags and jewelry? Did they really have to talk about me and my husband's private problems? I just have to remember that they are more miserable than I am/can be. I am happily married to a beautiful man...yeah...we are going through some rough times...but we've got each other. We've got more than most people. Maybe that's the story for some. We are happily married, but we've had to suffer through something horrible.
Anyway...that's the latest in the saga of Mu. I'll try to start writing some more again.

I'm here

2004-11-19T20:29:00.000-05:00

I'm here, I'm here.
But this is gonna be a short post because me and Star are going to actually venture outside of our apartment tonight...for a short while.
Today was kind of a rough one. A rougher one than I've had in a while. I'll get into it more later or tomorrow.
Thank goodness it's the weekend.
Oh...I think Star is ready...

Not too exciting...a good break

2004-11-14T14:02:00.000-05:00

It may be obvious, but not too much is going on in my life right now. It's kind of nice to not have anything going on right now that I need to complain or vent about. So, that's why I haven't been on this blog too much lately.
Going away last weekend was a good break for many reasons. One of the things I really appreciate about getting away is that when I come back, I feel fresh and like myself again. When we were up in Montreal, I told Star that I feel most myself when we are traveling.
So, after last weekend, I'm still feeling the effects of going away. It's nice...it doesn't usually last that long for me. Usually I feel bogged down as soon as we get home.
As I mentioned yesterday, there is snow all over the place up here. It's a little surreal to me. Everyone still has there Halloween decorations out...and snow is covering them. I'm not quite ready for the holidays yet. Not at all.
This weekend has been nice. We have just been hanging out at home watching DVDs and eating. The winter hibernation has kicked in...hard-core.

No, no, no, no!

2004-11-13T11:51:00.000-05:00

Goshdarnit!
There's freakin' snow everywhere.
It's too early.
This is gonna be a long season. I can feel it in my bones.

Nope...I didn't skip town...though it was tempting

2004-11-09T19:09:00.000-05:00

I'm back!
I know, it's been a while since I've blogged. I attempted this morning, but mid-way through, my mother called. So, since I can't write and talk at the same time...I just erased what I had and decided to do this later.
Gee...what's happened in the last week since I was last here? Kerry lost. I'm very saddened by this. I think I've finally gotten over my initial shock. The most shocking thing to me was realizing that the majority of people really wanted that man (Bush) in office still. I do not understand it...but I guess I've got four years to figure that one out. Oh well. I keep hinting to my husband that we should move to Canada. Maybe it'd be fun to be an ex-patriate.
What else? Oh yes...it was my birthday on Thursday. I didn't get what I really wanted for birthday (a new president), but I did have a lovely day. I was awakened by my beautiful husband who had planned a little scavenger hunt for me. I got some good music and a book. I did go to work and got to eat some chocolate cake before 10 am (my manager makes cakes for every body's birthday). In the evening we went out for dinner with some of my closest friends. It was a really good birthday. I didn't have any expectations and I didn't plan anything. And...probably one of the nicest parts was that neither me nor my husband had to work on Friday, so we were able to stay out late and wake up late.
On Friday, we headed North to Montreal (probably my favorite city). The weekend away was my real birthday gift. We stayed at the Sheraton right downtown, up on the 23rd floor. The weekend was perfect. We went to the Museum des Beaux Arts, walked around the city, ate, and drank. It was exactly what we needed...a weekend away.
So...now we are back. Back to real life again.

My Two Cents...

2004-11-02T18:05:00.000-05:00

Go Kerry!

Pre-birthday blues

2004-10-30T10:49:00.000-04:00

I don't know if it really is all good yet, actually. I looked at my checking account this morning and it claims that we are in the negative by about $200. ACK!!! That is not right. Also, there were four more charges that took place in France yesterday. That was supposed to be stopped.
Wish I could enjoy my Saturday.
This time next weekend, me and Star will be in Montreal walking around, enjoying ourselves. So...I'll have time to enjoy.
Maybe if I straighten up this apartment, I'll feel a little better. That always helps me.
I think I had a dream about having an ultrasound last night. I was pregnant. I don't remember any details at all. I just remember having that thought in a dream last night.
Last night, when I was feeling sorry for myself, it occurred to me that my birthday is probably going to be a little emotional this year. I know, I know...I'm not going to be that old...I'll be 28. But, I think it would have been really nice if I could have been a mother-to-be at 28. 28 seems like a good age to have a first child. I want to be a younger mother. I'd rather be a younger mother. I'd really like to have a baby by the time I'm 30. We've got two years to go.

It's all good

2004-10-28T20:40:00.000-04:00

I'm back in a "happy" place this evening.
After stressing all day with the thought of going to the bank in the back of my mind, I got through the day. As soon as I got home from work, I forced Star to get up and go to the bank with me. We had a very helpful gentleman take care of our problems and relieve us of our fears. Apparently the strange card number was a supposed number that was given to Star way back. And...that's about all they can figure out right now. The good news is that we don't have to get all new debit cards, checks, etc. And...tomorrow...our checking account will be credited back the $300 dollars that had been spent as of today. Can you believe it? They are going to start an investigation and we'll see what will happen from there.
Whew.
So, after the bank we went for sushi and spent too much.
Oh well.
So...Halloween is around the corner. I've got to admit that I don't really care so much for the "holiday" anymore. I feel like it' s something for kids. I don't enjoy dressing up, I haven't since I was about 21. We've been invited to three parties this weekend, and I don't really want to go to any. One of them is a ways a way...so we have a good excuse. Another is tomorrow night in the next town over. I think Star is going to go. I'm just not up for it. I don't really know anyone there and I don't really care to meet anyone new. I'm still not feeling too social. I really have a hard time going to parties with strangers and trying to act like I'm interested in talking to them. I suppose I'm a snob at times. I'm also lazy. And...the last time we were at the house of the party that is going on tomorrow night...it was about a week after my second miscarriage. The last party was my first time being around a lot of people after going through that. So...there are some associations that go with that.
I'm kind of looking forward to the weekend being over, already. I want to get through the Halloween party stuff. I'm ready for some peace.
For now...things are looking good.

Honestly...(little bit grumpy this morning)

2004-10-28T07:28:00.000-04:00

I do not give two shits about the Red Sox winning the World Series.
Honestly!
Especially when it means that I lost about an hour of sleep due to the assholes that live around here who decided to scream in the streets, honk their horns, and set of fireworks or something. Everyone else is supposedly in a good mood around here, but I'm not.
I also don't appreciate people acting like a have a disease or something when I admit that I'm not a sports fan. Two mornings ago, I had a woman from The Boston Globe call trying to sell me her paper. I told her that we don't really have time, etc (we used to get it, but we never really read it) and she said "Well, most people like to have at least the Sunday paper to check out the Sox and Pat's." When I responded with, "Yeah, we'll me and my husband aren't sports' fans", she was almost speechless. She couldn't believe it.
Anyway...I'm also in a bad mood because of some issues with my bank. Monday, Star called the bank and they weren't that useful. Yesterday afternoon, I realized that we didn't get that money back and that about $100 more dollars were spent in France. So, I called the bank myself. The girl I talked to was COMPLETELY useless. Why have a 800 number that is open until 11 pm if the people working don't know what the hell they are doing? All she could tell me is that I should go to my local branch to speed up the process. I agreed but told her that me and my husband both work until after 5 and their branches aren't opened that late except for Thursday nights...so we haven't been able to get to the bank yet. Argh!!! I'm so frustrated and really tempted to change banks. Though, I don't really want to because I've really liked our bank until now. Plus, the timing on all of this really sucks right not because we are going to Montreal next weekend and we kind of need to have our debit cards. It'd really not be convenient to shut down our account right now.
Hopefully this will get figured out tonight when we go in to the actual bank.
Meanwhile...all the stuff I was stressing about (days off, etc)...it's all good. My manager printed up the wrong schedule and actually realized that she owed me a holiday...so I got next Friday off, which is perfect.
So...I wonder how slow the museum will be today. It's ridiculous to me that highly overpaid men wearing tight pants and playing with their balls can get a whole region all excited.
I'm a grinch...but I hate sports.

Funk (not the good kind)

2004-10-27T07:44:00.000-04:00

Last night was pretty uneventful, with the exception of making some of the best acorn squash ever. I love squash! Star had band practice and I watched TV. I don't even really remember what I watched...that's how exciting it all was. Anyway, around 9 pm I realized that I had a headache. I think it was from my worrying. This morning, I do feel a little nervous in my stomach about talking to my manager. I shouldn't be. I know, I know. I keep telling myself this. My manager is very approachable. It was probably just a simple mistake. There probably is a good explanation for it. Ugh.
The holidays are so damn stressful.
I bet if I were still pregnant right now, I wouldn't have to worry about all of this stuff because maybe the in-law's and my parents would come up here. I know, I shouldn't think like that. But it's really hard not to.
I think maybe I'm just getting into my pre-birthday funk. I usually get into one about a week before my birthday. This year it's probably going to be a little worse than in year's past.

Early Holiday stress

2004-10-26T18:19:00.000-04:00

Today wasn't really a good day either.
I tried to have a good one. But it seems that no one around me (at work) was having a good one so that effected me more than I would like to admit. I was supervisor today. All was well until a lady I work with seemed as though she kept questioning me on everything, every stupid little thing. This lady is usually kind of fun to work with. She's a little crazy (really she is, she is bi-polar or something) sometimes, but I've never had a problem with her before. But something was up today, and she seemed to take it out on me some. I know it's not personal...but I can't help feeling it.
Then, at the end of work, I got next month's schedule. I was looking it over and all and realized that a day I asked off (in mid-September) was on there. I asked for the day after Thanksgiving off. That's a tricky day to ask off because it's a busy day usually in the museum world. But I did ask for it off (with two months in advance) because we have to go to NJ for the holiday to see Star's parents. My manager told me way back when I asked for it off that she was going to close that weekend off for requests, but since I had asked so far in advance that she'd give it to me anyway. Apparently she forgot. And now I'm stressing out about talking to her about it tomorrow. She's been so good to me in the last couple of months with my miscarriages and all. I feel as though I'm asking for too much, but I did ask a long time ago and Star's family does live in NJ.
Ugh.
I hate the holidays sometimes. Now that I have two families...it can really make the holidays stressful.

A new start

2004-10-26T07:24:00.000-04:00

Well, we did finally get to spend a little time together on Sunday afternoon. We took the T into Cambridge and walked the river to see bits of the races. I'm not sure we actually saw any of the racing (I think we were a little late), but we did get a real nice, long walk in. After the walk, we got some lunch and went to my favorite book store. It was a good day.
Yesterday, was not as fun. I was in a fine mood until I got to work and started to immediately feel kind of pissy. I don't know what it was exactly. Someone called in sick, so that changed my whole schedule. But, actually I didn't mind so much because it was the guy that drives me crazy anyway. Maybe it's the lunar eclipse that's going on or something, but I didn't feel quite right and lot of people around me at work feel the same way.

Besides all of that, I'm trying to be proactive (or something) about my body. A couple of days ago, I started taking my basal temps. It does appear (I think) that I'm ovulating right now. I'm happy about this, but also surprised. I didn't think this would happen so soon. I'm also thinking that when I was bleeding a couple of weeks ago, that it was indeed my period. I do think that I'm going to wait until my next cycle to do that bloodwork for the test my doctor wants to do. And, wait a little longer to go on the birth control. I want to get familiar with my cycles (temps, lengths, etc) before I start changing anything with the pill.

Another thing I've been concerned with in the last few days, is going back to school. This is a whole other subject that I won't really go into right now, but the school thing has some hold on me right now too. I'll get into it more later.

Sunday, Sunday

2004-10-24T08:26:00.000-04:00

Strange, strange dreams last night. But I liked them, I think. They are kind of responsible for waking me up this morning. I was dreaming about Star. And Jude Law was one of his buddies. How funny is that? I'm dreaming about Jude Law. He was in that movie yesterday afternoon. I think I also dreamed that I was fourteen weeks pregnant (which I probably would be if I were still pregnant). That part of the dream was strange because I didn't feel sad or anything. It was kind of just matter-of-fact.
Today, we will attempt to go into Cambridge. This weekend is the Head of the Charles. I've only been once before and that was about five years ago (interestingly enough...I went on the day of the "first date" with Star, though not with him). It's kind of fun, rubbing elbows with the private and Ivy-league school kids. It also doesn't cost money. It's nice to do things in the city that doesn't cost anything.
So, the hard part will be getting my husband up. He's rough. The process will start now.

Having a lame Saturday night while someone is spending my money in France

2004-10-23T21:17:00.000-04:00

I probably shouldn't even waste your time (or mine) blogging because I don't really have too much to say. I'm kind of bored and in the mood to type. Does that sound strange? I like to type. I should have been a receptionist or something.
Anyway...not too much to report. Star is doing some work for my neighbor's business tonight. It kind of sucks, but I guess I may be getting used to it. I got to watch and hour of "Sex in the City". That kind of made my boring Saturday night a little better.
We did get out today, a little. I bought a fabulous orange bag and we saw the film "I Heart Huckabees". Very, very, very good. I highly recommend it. It was interesting to see that eight people walked out on the film. They were probably bored or something. It's the kind of film that you've got to be into or you will be lost or bored. It's a philosophical film/movie. But it's also really funny. Who knew that Mark Wahlberg could be hilarious.
Oh, this is interesting. Earlier tonight, I was looking at our checking account on the internet. I check in frequently to see which checks have gone through, etc. Anyway, as I was looking through all of the action going on in our account, I came across five transactions that made no sense at all. I called my husband in to see if the numbers or names made any connection. He didn't recognize them. Apparently, it seems that somebody is using our account to pay for random items in France and Spain. I kid you not! We aren't quite sure yet. And of course, we discover this all on a Saturday night and the bank won't be opened for another day. Anyway...it seems like these purchases are being made from highway stores or something. They all seem to have route numbers on them. It's crazy. The most maddening part of all of this is that I feel jealous because our money seems to be being spent in a part of the world that I've always wanted to go to and have never been. UGH! I'm pissed. The more I think about it, the more I'm pissed. It's all very strange. And even stranger, is the the amount in which these transactions are in. One transaction was for just 89 cents, another for about 71 dollars.
Crazy.
I'm hoping/wondering if maybe it's the bank's mistake. I hope we get all of our money back.

Remembering five years ago

2004-10-22T07:47:00.000-04:00

Well, it's Friday. Yay! Thank goodness. I do live for the weekends. It's not that work is so bad. It's not that bad. I actually like my job quite a bit most times. It's just that there are a couple of people (2 in fact) that I really can't stand being around. I've mentioned these people before. I won't really get into it now. Except to say that, one is a little psycho and the other is a psycho/pathological-liar (I truly believe). So when Friday comes along, I feel really relieved because it means that I get a break from these freaks.

So...this weekend is the five year anniversary of me and Star's first pseudo-date. October23rd, to be precise. I call the event "pseudo" because it didn't start off as a date. At least I didn't think so. Our beginning is kind of a funny story. The first time I ever laid eyes on Star was at a St. Patrick's Day party at the apartment that I lived in at the time. I lived with three other girls. One of my roommates was seriously dating a friend of Star's. So, somehow Star was invited to our house. I was never introduced to him at the time. I only saw him from a distance and couldn't figure out why this kid was at my apartment. He was loud and had really red, kind of fake hair (turned out it was dyed for a play he was in at the time). All I could think was "who the hell invited this guy? Who is he?" A month later, there was another party at our apartment (we probably had one major party a month back then). This time it was a joint birthday party for some friends. Again, Star showed up and was loud. I was a bit put off and just didn't really think about him at all except to think that he was obnoxious. But later in the night, the party took a strange turn.
I don't know if it's normal or if it's because I went to a college where everybody was sexually frustrated (Christian, liberal arts), but the party suddenly turned into a massage circle. It was late, we all had quite a bit to drink, and now we were all getting touchy or being touched. I was being touched. I was getting the best massage of my life from Star! It freaked me out. I thought the guy was obnoxious, but his hands felt so damn good. And, he was trying to get close. At that moment I knew that I was drunk enough to do something that could of regretted. I suddenly got up, said I had to go to the bathroom, and then practically hid in my bedroom (in my bed). About fifteen minutes later, he was knocking on my door asking for me. I pretended to be asleep and hoped he would not come into my room. He didn't.
I didn't see Star too much after that. I did run into him once at a lecture at school, but I just never made eye contact and didn't acknowledge him. I was so embarrassed that I let someone who I didn't like (at the time) touch me. Five months after the party incident, Star moved in with my roommate's boyfriend. This meant that we'd be seeing a lot of Star. The guys (5 of them) moved into an amazing ten bedroom house near the ocean. The house was really, really old and in desperate need of repair. It didn't even have heat on the third floor where some bedrooms were. Me and my roommates just loved to hang out at the house, and we would even when the guys weren't around. Eventually, Star just became one of the guys to me and I almost forgot about the party incident. He never mentioned it, I never mentioned it...he seemed like a different person to me. But I still just considered him kind of like a little brother of some sort. He's a little more than two years younger than me. And at the time (five years ago) that was kind of a big deal, especially because he was not of drinking age.
One weekend (exactly five years ago), all of my roommates were away for some reason and so were his. We were chatting at some party and decided that we should go see a movie that we both wanted to see (Fight Club). So, on a Saturday night, we went to see the movie. After the movie, we went for dinner. After dinner, we went back to my apartment and I made him watch You've Got Mail. It was so comfortable and easy. I (almost) totally forgot about the weirdness I felt before. I just felt like I had a new friend. He ended up falling asleep on the couch and I just went back to my room to go to bed. The next morning, I went to make coffee and realized that he was still on the couch. We hung out all morning and into the afternoon. We had coffee, did some watercolors paintings, and just talked all morning. Eventually he had to go and it was good because I had to write a paper for a night class I was taking at the time. As I was finishing up my paper, Star called me on the phone. I suggested going for a ride. I went to go pick him up and we went for a ride and a walk. When I went to his house to pick him up, I realized I really liked hanging out with him. On our walk, we were in a store and I remember the exact point of when I realized I liked him. We were looking at something on a shelf when he put his hand on my back, for just a moment...but that was it. That was when I realized that I could like him more than just a friend.
From that moment on, I started with a crush that took about two weeks before it became more. I was realizing that I was thinking about him all of the time. I would look forward to when I would go up to his house with my roommates. I would get a little jealous if he'd ask me about one of my roommates. It took off from there.

So...this is it...the five year anniversary. I can't believe it's only been five years. I feel like we've known each other forever. I'm looking forward to making this weekend special.

Not too much going on here

2004-10-20T19:20:00.000-04:00

Not too much to say at the moment but I thought I'd check in since I haven't really made an "appearance" in the last couple of days. Right now, Hubby is on the phone with the Gallup Poll. Yes, the Gallup Poll is on the phone right now. They've been calling us for the last week, trying to talk to Star. The poll isn't too exciting, or so I don't think so. I was hoping that they were going to call asking what we think about the presidential election. But nope, they want to know what Hubby listens and watches on radio and television.
Anyway...like I said...not too much going on right now. Just working and...that's about it. I did, however, just get home from going out to dinner and drinks with two co-worker. It was really nice. We had to bitch and catch up.
So...I won't bore with you with anymore details.

Thirteen weeks

2004-10-17T09:03:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a rough day. I'm not exactly sure what set me off. It might have been when I read a fellow blogger's post about her "angel day". I cried a little reading some poems. Those were the first tears shed for the day. Then later in the day, I was watching that show on TLC. That made me sad and jealous (and a little angry). For the most part of the day, I was okay. Me and Star went to a "film" festival that was put on by the local Peace and Justice group around here. We just saw one "film". (I'm using the word "film" loosely here.) When ever we go to these things sponsored by the Peace and Justice group, we are the youngest people in there, easily, by 40 years. It's kind of sad that there don't seem to be many (any) people our age going to these things. Anyway...I was okay during all that.
After the "film", we decided that we were going to get some dinner. I was starving, I hadn't eaten anything all day. Then, after dinner we were going to pick up some much needed items from Target. On the way to getting dinner, Star found out that he was going to have to work for our neighbor at 6:00. It was 4:00 when we got this message. There was no way to get dinner and do Target in two hours. I just about started to flip out. I was very annoyed and confused. My patience was kind of no where to be found.
So, we continued to the restaurant to get our food to go. Meanwhile, besides being annoyed, I was also starving...so that was effecting my mood too. We finally got home to eat. Star had to soon rush off. I had a friend call and want us to come over for dinner. I just ignored her call and let the machine pick up. I was in a bad, sour mood.
After Star left, I was watching a movie and TV. This time I found some show on the Discovery Channel about special deliveries. This is almost when I completely lost it. I watched the show and cried and cried. Seeing all of those little newborn babies made me rerealize, for the thousandth time, what me and Star are missing out on. Yes, sometimes it gives a little comfort to utter the words that it can/will still happen. But knowing that we had it and then lost it...there's really no comfort there.
If I were still pregnant, I would be about thirteen weeks along. Thirteen weeks! I would be out of my first trimester. I would be finished with one of the scarier parts of pregnancy. Why could my body not wait this long? It didn't feel like a long time. The last two months have gone by so quickly.
So, I watched that show for a little while and then stopped. I started to watch some stupid movie that just about bore me to tears...literally. I went into my bedroom to try to find a cat to cuddle. I laid down with her for a little while, she ran away. I was probably freaking her out. Soon after that, Star came home from work. I came out of the bedroom and he told me of some people that he ran into (that I work with) and then asked me if I wanted to go to a movie or something. My answer, "I don't know. I'm bored to death. I just want to go to sleep!" Then I started bawling and continued to do so for about half an hour. I didn't calm down really until I laid in Star's arms.
We talked about having really sad days. He told me about how he was really sad on Thursday night, the night that he was doing the parent/teacher conferences at school. He'd seen two little girls playing that first reminded him of what me and my sister must of been like when we were that age, but then made him sad. I think I've said this before, but I think sometimes it's even harder for Star in a way. These changes didn't happen in his body. Plus, he isn't a crier...at all. I've seen him cry twice in the whole time we've been together. It's not that he's a tough guy, he isn't. He's a very sensitive man. He seems to take out his sadness or anger in doing projects and writing his music. He's able to disguise it a little, put it to good.
Anyway, getting to lay in his arms and cry did help some. It helps for now until my next burst. I've had a burst about once a week, but I'm usually able to keep it under wraps. Last night, there was no holding it in.
The good thing about my cry is that I finally slept all the way through the night and woke up at a decent hour.

Lil' bit annoyed

2004-10-16T09:47:00.000-04:00

I don't know why I do it. I suppose I might have a secret wanting of torturing myself.
I just watched about five minutes of "A Baby Story" or something to that effect on TLC. Anyway, I tuned in to the time when the woman is giving birth and crying because it hurts. I'm sure it does. She seems like she wants to give up, her doctors are almost yelling at her to keep pushing. As soon as the baby is out, she talks about how relieved that "it" is out. It. She knows it's a girl. She then goes on to complain about how she's been pregnant or breast-feeding for the last 3 years. She's relieved to not be pregnant and to be able to start exercising to lose weight.
That really pisses me off.

I'm sounding bitter, I know. Allow me.

I hope to God that when I have the chance to have a successful pregnancy, that I won't complain for a second. I will be so overjoyed to have the opportunity.
Listening to people like that makes my stomach turn.

Thinking out loud...this post is pretty boring

2004-10-16T08:44:00.000-04:00

Yup...it's me. I'm not sure about this new change, but I'll try it out for a little while. I wish they had more/better choices for templates. Oh well.
Yay...it's Saturday! I love Saturdays.
Hubby is still in bed. I woke up, wide awake, at about twenty to eight. I don't know if it was because of my stomach feeling a little funky or if it was because my cat was all over me, cuddling. I tried to stay in bed a little longer, but I couldn't do it. I tried to be cuddly with Star but he was too sleepy and was almost begging that I get up to make coffee (aka...leave him alone). He's can be greedy about his sleep. I suppose all of us are like that though.
Last night was severely uneventful. We had left over pasta and sauce from the night before and watched a movie on the IFC. After that, I soon fell asleep on the couch. I feel so guilty when I do that (especially) on Friday night. I just couldn't keep my eyes open.
Anyway, between falling asleep early last night and having the cat all over me this morning, I couldn't get back to sleep. Especially when for some reason I started to think about money. I don't know why I always seem to start fretting about money when I wake up first thing in the morning...but that's what I did this morning. I was thinking about how me and Star are going to get away for a weekend up in Montreal in about 3 weeks. Right now, our hotel room for two nights is already paid for. We will drive up so we'll need gas money and we will also need money for eating (obviously). I don't know why I was stressing about it this morning...but I was.
Well...this is a pretty boring post...sorry to waste your time if you happened upon this.

I need to keep my mouth shut

2004-10-15T07:28:00.000-04:00

So, last night I spent some time on my blog. I actually spent about 40 minutes writing a detailed entry of my day of on Wednesday. As I was about to spell check the thing, the whole post disappeared! I just about lost it. How annoying?!
Anyway...the very abridged version of Wednesday was that I had a good day, overall. It started off a little rough with an obnoxious visit to the salon. The lady that did my brow waxing was a psycho would brought out a pencil and started to color in my eyebrows. After that, I got a little sick on the T (the subway here in Boston). But once I found my friend N, we had a great visit in Harvard Square and then I managed to talk her into coming back to our apartment to have a belated birthday dinner (her birthday was over a month ago). I did ene up blabbing something I wish I didn't. N was talking about the guy she is seeing that is driving her a little crazy. They never see each other (because of work, school, etc) and they don't get to really talk about things that she would like to talk about. She was worrying about some deep, dark secret or something. Unfortunately, I found out a couple of weeks ago about a friend of a friend who actually used to see this guy. I use the word "see" loosely, as apparently all they ever did was make-out. I told N about it. I didn't tell her every detail that I found out about, but I told her that these two people used to know each other and had some brief thing. Why did I do that?! I really wish I hadn't. I guess I thought I was helping N out at the time. She handled it all really well, and she was glad that I told her. She actually told me that. But, I still feel shitty about it. I wish I never said a word. I hate spreading gossip.
Anyway...besides that, I did have a good day. It was good to spend a day in the city with a girlfriend. It was exactly what I needed.
Meanwhile, work is okay. Yesterday was kind of a strange day. It seemed that my manager and asst. manager weren't really getting along too well. They were kind of bickering in a playful way (maybe) but it kind of sounded a little real. (I'm blabbing again...though you guys don't count right...because you don't know these people?) My manager confided (maybe) in me that her asst. didn't really seem to motivated by his job anymore. He's only been doing the job since June. Before my first miscarriage, I was seriously considering that position (asst. manager) until I saw the qualifications and the only one that I didn't have was a bachelor's degree. My husband and N (she used to work at the same museum) kept telling me that I should apply anyway. Then, my miscarriage happened and I didn't really care about it all. But...now knowing that this guy is kind of disgruntled...plus he is thinking about grad school, etc...it's getting my mind going because I think if I applied for the job, I think there's a pretty good chance of me getting it this time. I actually have experience as an asst. manager. I used to be one for two different coffee shops that I worked at with a sum of roughly three years experience. Plus...the manager likes me...she's actually told me that I was one of her favorites (I know that sounds really unprofessional, but this was during my second miscarriage, she'd call to check up on me and gave me as much time as I needed to heal before I wanted to come back to work). Anyway...I need not to think this way. If I took a job like that...it would probably mean an infringement on my weekends and holidays again (something I hated about being at Starbucks), but then...I would be getting more money...and my job is only down the street.
It could be a possibility.
So...today should be interesting. I wonder if they will be bickering again.
Well...off to getting ready for work...hopefully I won't delete this post again.

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-10-14T19:15:00.000-04:00

I just spent 40 minutes writing a post. I was just about to spell-check it when...

IT DISAPPEARED!

So...I'm not going to rewrite it.

I'm so annoyed.

Basically, I was talking about yesterday.

It was good.

That's all I have energy for right now.

I'm pissed.

Update...

2004-10-13T07:36:00.000-04:00

Maybe I'm just excited, you know, looking forward to the day. Sometimes that happens. I can't tell the difference between anxiety and excitement. Does that sound strange? Yes, sometimes I can get all paranoid about the worst possible scenarios. I do that very easily.
Anyway...I'm now looking forward to my "big day in the city". Can you tell I don't get out much these days? Really, I don't.

I'm just hoping that this bleeding eases some through the day. The last thing I need is to be leaking while I'm walking all over town. Of course this all comes at the worst possible time.

Alright...I'm gonna go.

Feeling fretful

2004-10-13T05:45:00.000-04:00

Well...today is my much anticipated day off. YAY!!! Yes I know, I just had the weekend off. But there's just something about having a weekday off when you usually work a Monday-Friday, 9-5 job. So...today is the day.
But (there's always a "but"), there's a problem. I couldn't sleep very well last night. Me and Star went to bed at around 10:30 last night. We chatted for a little while once we were in bed. He was conked out at 11:00 and I was still awake at 12:00. I definitely woke up a few times throughout the night. And then this morning...I'm wide awake at 5:30 (17 minutes ago)! Damn it! What's my problem? (Oh yeah...no chance of going back to sleep and sleeping in...I made a 9:00 brow waxing appointment.)
Last night I was thinking too much. I don't remember exactly what I was thinking about, but my mind wouldn't stop. Plus I was feeling mildly crampy. Again, this morning...I'm still feeling a little bit crampy and my mind won't stop.
I suppose I may be feeling a little fretful today.
I'm going into the Cambridge/Somerville area today to see my friend N. Suddenly I'm feeling anxiety about all kinds of stupid things...like...finding parking at the T stop, riding on the T, getting home at a good hour...etc. Anxiety is kicking in and not letting me enjoy my weekday off. I hate this. What gets me the most is that the route I'm taking to get into the city today, is the route that I used to take to work for two years back when I worked in Cambridge (5 years ago). There's no need (AT ALL) for me to be anxious about anything. There's a part of me that feels like I can turn it off, but then there's a part that still seems to hang out in there. Honestly, I'm afraid that if I didn't actually have plans to meet someone, I would not go in.

Yeah...so maybe I should still be looking for a therapist.

Pimples and blood

2004-10-12T19:27:00.000-04:00

At the current moment I have the most outrageous breakout on my chin and chest. When I say "outrageous", I don't mean it in a good way. It's disgusting and makes me want to avoid the mirror when I go into the bathroom. Also...(sorry for the gory details) I'm bleeding, and I don't really think it's my period. Honestly...I have no idea what my period is anymore. I haven't had one since July and the one before that was May. Clearly, my hormones are out of whack. All of this (pimples and blood) just reminds me that I couldn't carry a pregnancy about seven weeks ago.
So...I'm kind of having a sad day.
Remember last week when I was feeling almost patient and kind of okay about things? The feeling is gone today. I'm not sure exactly when it all started. It might of started with the pimples and blood. But, also this morning...I saw this family with the most adorable three-year old and a tiny (guessing) newborn. The baby was in one of those little thingies that people wear around their chest that cradles the baby right against them (I always said that I'd want one of those when we have a baby). As the mother was walking away, I caught a glimpse of the little sleepy face...and it just made me sad. It makes me wonder if I (we) will ever get to experience that.
These feelings sometimes creep up on me at strange times. For instance, on Sunday night, Star was away for a couple of hours and I was watching "Sex in the City". It was the episode where Miranda realizes she's in love with Steve still and goes over to Carrie's apartment to talk to her. So...this is a little strange...but I got almost teary-eyed when Miranda walked into the apartment and handed her kid over to Carrie to hold. Watching Sarah Jessica Parker (not the most motherly person...I know she has a kid...but she doesn't really strike me as much motherly... anyway) hold and bounce the baby, made me a little sad because I was wondering if I will ever get the opportunity to hold a baby like that. I have never held a baby like that, never. I never much babysat when I was in high school (I didn't like other people's kids) and never babysat children that young. Later on the same night, me and Star were watching some silly show on HBO called "Family Bonds". They showed a character on that show after she just saw that she had a positive pregnancy test...and I cried a little. I definitely shedded a few tears watching some stupid reality show on HBO. And I didn't cry because I was happy or whatever...it was because I was remembering and realizing that the next time I have a positive pregnancy test...I will not be able to be that happy. I will be scared shitless. I will feel like I can't be excited for a while. I won't be innocent about the whole procedure. I'll be waiting to see blood and feel cramps. Every little symptom or non-symptom will throw me into a panic.
Some days are harder than others...I guess.
I just can't imagine that me and my husband, who are so, so, so in love with each other, might not be able to have a baby. We might not be able to have a product (not to sound so technical) of our love for each other. What hurts me the most is that Star will be the best father. The most perfect father. I never even knew how much I wanted children until I saw him with children. It's not fair to him that these miscarriages have happened. I can't imagine Star without children. He's father-like already.

I'm having a good cry now. I haven't had one in a while (a week or so). Thanks for listening.

Holiday Monday

2004-10-11T17:34:00.000-04:00

Today was a strange day. Everyone in the world seemed to have it off except for me and my co-workers. As I've mentioned before, I work in a museum and it happens to be in a very touristy town (especially in October). So...today was crazy. It felt like everyone and their grandmother decided to come visit the museum today. I feel very glad to finally be home.
Work wasn't all that bad. It'd be a little better if I could stand one of my co-workers. It's the new guy. He's so freakin' annoying. He's the kind of guy who has an answer or comment for everything. He's done everything, he's been everywhere, he knows everything. It gets to be a bit too much after a while. I think he might be able to tell that I don't think he's all that witty are smart. I don't laugh at his jokes and I try not to make eye contact when I can get away with it.
I'm not usually mean.
Well...me and hubby are off to do some desperately needed grocery shopping. Whenever we go shopping, I get inspired to eat better...for about two days. It doesn't last long. It's helpful when Star goes with me (for many reasons) because he also wants to eat better. We try to help each other out.
Off I go.

Sunday night already?!?!?!?!?!?!

2004-10-10T20:12:00.000-04:00

How the hell did this happen so fast?
It's Sunday night!
I did almost absolutely nothing this weekend. I mean, yeah...it was sort of my plan and all. But, I just can't believe that the end of the weekend is here. And what makes it all worse is that for almost everyone else around here, it's a three day weekend. Not for me. Nope. I'm working tomorrow. Yeah...I shouldn't complain because I am getting Wednesday off. That is my day off in place of the holiday. Wednesday will be good because no one else will have it off.
Anyway...I have done nothing this weekend. Friday night we went to my sister's apartment for a delicious dinner. I pigged out. She is the most wonderful cook I know. She made a turkey pot pie with a thyme-cranberry crust. And for dessert, bread pudding. Yum! After dinner we came back to our apartment (she lives a block away) to watch the presidential debate.
Yesterday...I slept in until around 10:30 and watched TV. That was about it.
Today...I slept in until around 11:00, watched TV, and got my husband to take me on a really nice ride. We went to the beach, collected shells, and then stopped on the way home to pick up some stuff for dinner. Today was perfect, actually. I'm just kind of bummed out that tomorrow is the beginning of the work week.
Oh yeah...and I've been eating a lot. I don't know what my deal is. I feel like it's possible that I've gained a couple of pounds this weekend. I wish I could blame it on being PMS-ish...but I don't think that's the problem yet.
Meanwhile, I think my cold is just about over. My head feels better, there's almost no snot, and I'm less achy. I do still have a wicked cough once in a while, but that's kind of normal for me after I'm done with a cold. I'm glad that this is almost over.
So...as you can see...it's been a pretty uneventful weekend. I'm content with it though (even if it sounds like I'm complaining). Life has been too much lately. It's kind of a relief to have a break.
I need to do some sit-ups or something.

Fresh start

2004-10-09T11:20:00.000-04:00

I just realized that I haven't been writing too much this week. I suppose I have a couple of excuses. The main one being that I've been sick. I don't know what the hell it is that I have. It started on Monday and has slowly gotten worse. Thursday and Friday were probably the worst days. Today (so far) I feel a little better. But then, I'm not at work. Being able to stay home when you are sick helps out a whole lot. My plans for today are to do absolutely nothing. I'm going to stay in my pajamas and let my husband do things for me.
Good news! I did not have to get a D&C. I went for bloodwork early yesterday morning before I went into work. I was shocked by how quickly everything went. I think I definitely got in before everyone else did. As I was walking out to my car, I noticed that there was a line at the registration desk. Whew! Anyway, I got right in and had a very sweet Russian woman named Lyudmila take my blood. She seemed almost excited to talk to me because my first name is also Russian. We talked about Russian names, etc while she took my blood and didn't hurt me at all. As I left the hospital, I felt hopeful...like I was really leaving for a little while. And I also had the idea that it'd be cool to name our daughters with Russian first names. Maybe we could have Russian first names with flower middle names. Anyway, I was also surprised to find myself thinking positively about children's names without feeling sick about it.
Immediately after my bloodwork I went to work and actually kind of forgot about the fact that I was waiting for pretty important results. At about 1 pm, I went to look at my cell phone and saw that I did indeed have a message from the doctor's office. I listened to the message from the nurse telling me that the results were good and where they wanted to see them and that they just wanted me to call back because the doctor had a question for me.
Yippee!
So, I called back and the nurse was very excited and said that doctor was relieved. Doc wanted to know what I wanted to do about birth control. I asked the nurse to send some literature from their office. I kind of feel torn. I was on the pill for three years up until about a year and a half ago. When I first was put on it, I experienced some pretty bad mood swings and depression. So, they changed my pill and for a while all was good until my periods started doing strange things. Every fourth month my period would come early and last for about two weeks. After about a year of that, I decided (with prompting from my husband and switching of pills from my old doctor) to go off the pill. I was happy with my decision because I felt different in a couple of ways. I felt like I was less cranky and bitchy. My sex drive was up more than it had been. And I was just content with knowing that I wasn't putting extra hormones into my body. It felt more natural.
I'm still thinking that I don't want to go back on the pill. But I know that I definitely need to do something. We can't afford/handle to accidently get pregnant again. We need to be intentional now.
So...that's what's going on now.

Yay...Hump-day

2004-10-06T18:53:00.000-04:00

I'm beat.
I just got home from work about a half hour ago. I usually get out of work at around 5pm, but tonight we had our monthly staff meeting. It's kind of a joke, but I do get paid for it. Tonight it was really difficult to get through because I'm not feeling so well at the moment. Remember earlier in the week, I mentioned the hangover with a linger? Well, the linger seems to be something real. It's either allergies or a cold of some sort. I don't know which is worse. I never had allergies my whole life until about two years ago. And so far, I haven't had Fall allergies. But...there's always a first and this may be it. I'm in the stage of a super sniffly nose and itchy throat. This is all complimented with swollen glands and pressure on my sinuses. Ugh. Meanwhile, I really don't feel like I could call out (it hasn't gotten to that point yet) from work because I've already had too many sick days these last couple of months. Fortunately, my manager is really great. She's been so good to me during these last few months with all of my miscarriage drama. She's actually told me that I'm one of her favorites. I feel a little guilty about that, but it's kind of handy too.
Anyway...I'm a little exhausted.

Thank you Christine and Crista again for your comments on my post. Right now I'm just thinking about taking a breather (when my nose isn't stuffed) with all of this stuff. I definitely will go for that 21 day cycle test, whenever that may be. And in the meanwhile, get good and serious about taking care of myself. I'm not a healthy person, honestly. I don't eat well. I drink more than I should. I don't exercise. I don't take my vitamins. I don't drink enough water. There are so many little things that I should be doing for myself, anyway, that I'm not doing. I feel like I should get into the habit of these things before I go ahead with all sorts of testings. I feel like I need to be honest with myself and body before I go to a doctor, asking for a specialist, to get these things done. I guess that's where I'm at. Right now, this day.
But it could change tomorrow.

Today I saw the most beautiful baby at the museum. She was amazing. She had to be the fastest crawler I've ever seen. And even cuter was seeing the way her father (I assume) was with her. For a second, I could feel myself getting a little teary-eyed if I'd let it happen. But yesterday, I also saw a lady with a small, little Chinese girl that was obviously hers and adopted. And the pride and love you could see in the mother's eyes were just as apparent (if not more) as it was with the father and the little crawler. That's what I (we) do want some day. And I think I do trust that it will happen some day. Yes, I very much want to experience motherhood through pregnancy and birthing. But, I also want to experience it any way I can. Even if it means adopting.
I say this now and I really mean it. But, Friday when I'm waiting for the results on my blood test I know I'll be feeling a little more sensitive on the subject.
Right now I'm just going to try to let things be as they are. I can't really do too much at the moment. Just wait...and think positive thoughts.

The big day has come and gone (Part II)

2004-10-05T19:01:00.000-04:00

Sorry about making that a cliff-hanger...cause this isn't really an exciting story.

Okay, where was I?

So...I get back into the waiting room after emptying my tank a little and they call me almost immediately to the u/s. I still felt a little embarrassed...but also a little bit relieved. I apologized to the u/s technician (?...I'll call her that). She was real cool about it. I suppose it happens often to her. Right? She asked if I'd had an u/s before. I told her that I believe she was the one that gave one to me back in May and that she was the first to discover that I have a tipped uterus. She tells me that she'll try to do this part of the u/s quickly so that I can use the bathroom. So, I get on my back, unbuckle my jeans, and get that cold jelly stuff rubbed on to my belly. Almost immediately she informs me that my bladder is really full. She couldn't believe that I had peed already and promised not push too hard. After that section of the u/s and using the bathroom...I had the privilge (sarcastic tone) of getting the transvaginal part of the u/s. Ick, ick, ick!!! I hate it. I know, no one likes it. But...I'd actually rather have a pap smear. During this procedure, she asked if I'd been bleeding. I replied with a "no...not in over a week and a half or so." Then she told me that it appeared that I had a cyst of little size on my right ovary and there seemed to be some fluid around appearing that it might have ruptured recently. I replied that I did have some slight pain on that side a little while ago. She assured me that the cyst was normal and I wasn't too concerned anyway because I know that my mother often gets cysts.
After the u/s, I got to go back out to the waiting room with my husband. Almost immediately again, they called me back in for the rest of my appointment with my doc. The nurse that led me to the exam room was super chatty. I don't remember her from my other visits to the office. She was very friendly and I think I figured out that she liked me because her niece has the same name and also has dark hair and eyes. I got to strip down to my t-shirt and sit on the table for a few minutes with the very light paper towel/sheet and wait for about five minutes before my doc came in. The wait wasn't too bad...I've definitely waited a lot longer with other doctors.
So...when doc came in she seemed excited to see me. Seriously...excited. I've never had a reaction from a doctor like this. But then I figured out that maybe after all of the calls, etc I've received from her nurse and office...I kind of felt like a celebrity or something. Immediately she wanted to talk about my wacky hcg results. She did tell me that she's seen a number go up before. But unfortunately, she didn't know why this happened. The good news is that the number went from 18 to 8 (that number was taken on Friday). The bad news is that I have to go once again to the lab on Friday morning to get another test done. That afternoon, I have to call back to find out the results of the test. If the count has not gone down to 2 or lower, I'm going to have to have a D&C on Saturday morning. Needless to say, I'm not too excited about that possibility. I was already scared of having a D&C, but I got even more nervous when doc referred to it has an operation. The most work I've ever had done in my life was when I had my wisdom teeth removed about 3 years ago. She did reassure me that if this comes to that, it won't take long and I shouldn't have more than minor cramping since whatever is still in there is probably quite small. Anyway...I'm trying not to focus on that possibility. If the number has fallen 10 points in the last week...it can fall another 6 in a week, right? I'm trying to think positive thoughts here.
After the D&C conversation, we talked about some testings to do. I did explain to her that these last two pregnancies were unplanned. I told her that we very, very much want children but not necessarily right away. We aren't in a hurry to be pregnant now, but we do want to know what the problem is (if there is one) now so that we can plan accordingly. With that in mind, she told me that we could do a progesterone test on the 21 day of my next cycle. (I'm sure anyone reading this understands what this is/means better than I do.) She went ahead and gave me the lab paperwork right away on that so I could go in whenever I needed to (21st day). The next thing we will do after that is some sort of x-ray where they put dye in my uterus to see if there are any blocks, holes, etc. Again...I didn't really catch the name on that one. Besides these things, were are going to keep track of my cycles and take it from there. She did say that usually they get into more of the testing after three miscarriages. Though that isn't a reassuring thing since I hope to hell I don't get to experience another. It was reassuring, however, to know that everything as far as the ultrasound and pelvic exam was normal.
So...that was pretty much it. Anyone have any of these things done?
I wasn't expecting any concrete answers. I wasn't disappointed or upset by anything. I do feel good knowing that I told doc exactly where me and Star are as far as having children. We desperately want children, but (honestly) not at the exact moment. Though...we would have been more than estactic if I had stayed pregnant. Our pregnancies weren't planned and they were so close to each other. Maybe those things are the reasons why I miscarried. Hopefully the next time I'm pregnant it will be planned and I will have been preparing my body for it. And it will stick. I'm trying to start now with preparing my body. This might mean a whole new life in some ways. I'm ready for it.

Oh...so many thoughts.
That's it for now.

The big day has come and gone (Part I)

2004-10-05T07:46:00.000-04:00

Yesterday sucked.
It sucked before I went to my doctor's appointment. I'm embarrassed to admit that I had a hangover yesterday morning. I get very mad at myself when I have a hangover. I know that I'd been fine if I had not had that last drink. But, it was a good friend's birthday and two of my best friends had just moved away...so I had another.
Wrong move.
It also sucks to have a hangover on something that you tried for the first time and really liked. Now I will think about it a whole lot more before I have a cucumber martini (made with Hendrick's gin) ever again.
Besides the hangover...I also seem to slowly be getting sick. For me, that always makes the hangover that much worse. Because besides the hangover, new symptoms are showing up and you can't tell if it's the hangover or something else. Everything seems to linger. I appear to be getting sick now.

Okay...the doctor's appointment.
I got out of work at 3:30, got home at 3:35 (I live very close to my work). I changed very quickly and rushed myself and my husband out the door. The traffic getting into the next town was ridiculous and meanwhile...I had to pee. Yes, because of the ultrasound. Every bump, every stop, every slam on the brake...I thought a little bit of pee was going to come out.
We finally get to the office and I jump out of the car so that my husband can deal with the parking. We got to the office 5 minutes prior to 4:00. Of course, there was paperwork, etc. And then the words, "Take a seat." At this time my husband came in to the waiting room. We sat down and I could not stop shaking. After about 10 minutes, I had to talk to someone about when the damn ultrasound was going to take place because I was about to have an accident in the waiting room. (Oh yes...and of course the waiting room was full of pregnant women and children...I was prepared for that but I don't know about my husband. He was the one stuck in waiting in there for over an hour.) So, I approached the part of the desk that the rest of waiting room couldn't see and said to the receptionist, "I'm sorry, I feel really embarrassed asking this...but when is my ultrasound? I had tons of water and about to burst. I'm just wondering...I'm sorry." The receptionist smiled (warmly) and said she would go ask the lady doing the ultrasounds. At that point, I could hear her asking someone (that was awkward) and they said about 5 minutes but if I really needed to go that I could go a little bit and save some. Knowing what 5 minutes means in a doctor's office, I decided I couldn't wait and went on in to the bathroom. At that point, I kind of didn't care if I emptied out my whole bladder, it hurt so much...but I did save a little, or so I thought.
I went back in to the waiting room and took a seat next to my husband who was looking kind of confused. 3 minutes later, they called me in.

I'm realizing I'm running out of time...I need to get ready for work. I'll finish this little story later tonight. Til' then.

Wish it were some time tomorrow night

2004-10-03T19:28:00.000-04:00

Oh boy.
Today has been a rough one. I've been weepy on and off since about 10:30 this morning. Saying goodbye to B and S was even harder than I'd already been planning on it to be.
We got to their apartment around 9:30. They were still putzin' around doing who-knows-what. There was still a little bit to put into their U-Haul. They had the most unorganized moving experience I've ever been witness to. I found myself hurriedly putting things into the U-Haul because I kind of wanted to get all of done and over with. Towards the end...it was time to find their kitties to put into the vehicle. One of the cats could not be found. So there were seven of us wandering throughout the empty apartment, the apartment buildings hallways and basement, and even looking around outside in the yard (the cat is an indoor cat). I finally found the cat in the bedroom under a comforter. I saved the day. Putting the cat into the car was when I started to get weepy. Suddenly it was all feeling real. I think I held in my weepiness until the end when I gave S a hug. All at once, I just couldn't hold it in. I started bawling while I was holding S. I couldn't believe myself but I couldn't help it either. Then I started laughing at the same time because I felt incredibly embarrassed. I've never cried in front of anyone else before (of course, except for my husband, sister, and parents...they don't count though). It was all so strange.
So...I've been missing them or I should say, I'm really missing S. I know that this move is very difficult for her and I feel like no one really realizes this. Except for her husband, I hope. She's a very quiet, shy, and lonely person. We got on real well. We are similar in many ways and this is just so hard. I think this is the first time I've really felt like I've lost a friend.
And then another thing that I just couldn't get out of my head is that I haven't been really open with S lately. She still doesn't know about my second miscarriage. And even the first one, she found out about way after it happened. It's not her fault at all. It's all been because I've been too uptight about talking about it. But I think I've decided (with the help of Star's advice) to write S a letter in a little while to let her know about how stuff has gone down lately. I feel like that might explain a lot of why me and Star have been kind of MIA with a lot of life lately.
So...the day has been rough.
And soon, we are off to celebrate a friend's birthday with drinks at a fancy bar. This friend (J) I haven't seen since July. And at that time I told her about my first miscarriage. I shouldn't have done it in the setting at the time when I did it. It's strange, I haven't seen her since then...and so much has happened. I don't think anything will be awkward because J is the kind of friend that I can just pick up with her at anytime. But...since I've been so sad and sentimental...I don't know how the night will go.
I suppose I should go do something with my hair. It looks like a greasy mess. Ick.

Saturday night

2004-10-03T08:28:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was interesting.
I took the business of making and hosting dinner last night, very seriously. I probably spent about two and a half hours preparing and finishing dinner. And that doesn't count the six hours that the ribs were in the crock pot. I also spent some time cleaning and fixing up the apartment, making it presentable. I guess you could say that between our best friends moving and my big appointment tomorrow...I was trying to channel my negative energy into good.
It was a frustrating day though. When I finally got over to B and S's apartment at around 3 pm, the place was confusing. No one really seemed to be moving stuff. S's cousin and boyfriend were there. And B's brother was also there. S was on the phone with a vet and everyone else was just hanging out drinking beers. Turns out that S decided that she had to save a stray cat before she leaves, and now that job has become me and Star's responsibility. I'm not quite sure I know how that happened.
After about three hours of dilly-dallying I decided to go back to my apartment so that I could get dinner finished. Finally, everyone except for B showed up. Dinner was ready at any moment...but B wasn't answering his phone. Turns out that he had a drink or something with an old co-worker. This was very maddening for S and I also felt a little pissed as I've been working my ass off making a nice dinner and B was out for drinks with some person that wore really bad perfume (and lots of it).
Finally...we had dinner. (Oh yeah...one more thing...the cousin's boyfriend...he was drunk. That's always fun to have a nice dinner when someone is drunk and you are waiting for them to throw up right there at the table.) I guess overall it turned out well, though I could feel tension and stress. But for once it wasn't my tension or stress so I could handle it a little better.
We are going to head over there soon to say our final goodbyes. I'm kind of not looking forward to it because I hate saying goodbye (like everyone) and the cousin and boyfriend will be there. I feel a little awkward with them. Especially the cousin. She's kind of young and a little annoying but she is S's family so...I can't really say anything about it. I wish me and Star had been able to have B and S to ourselves.
Off I go...

About last night

2004-10-02T09:42:00.000-04:00

Last night was more fun than I anticipated. I did let myself relax. And I did have a good time. It took a little while getting into.
There's a lot I could write about the night...but it'd probably be boring. I did get pissy when someone feigned like they didn't know who I was after we've met about four or five times now. But this is someone that I don't trust all that much anyway and she's kind of in the position of helping out my husband's music career at the moment (she got them the show).
I did get my drink on. :) That was really the only way that I was going to loosen up.
All in all, it was a very good night for my husband. His band sounded amazing. I was actually impressed. I feel like that's a hard thing for me because I get to listen to his practice tapes (almost all of the time) and etc.
Today is a sad day as we are helping B and S with packing. I hate packing with a passion. It may be one of my top 5 least favorite things in the whole world. This is a horrible thing to say, but I'm kind of hoping I can get out of it in some way, a little way. I am going to have them over for dinner tonight along with S's cousin and her boyfriend. It will be a little farewell dinner.
So...that's what I'm off to today.
I hope the sun comes out.

Friday night blues

2004-10-01T19:20:00.000-04:00

Feeling a little sad right now. I just got back from the blood lab about an hour ago. For the last week I'd been thinking that I was okay. But just before I took off for the hospital...all of the sadness came rushing back with a fury. It's strange. I think the staff at the hospital recognizes me now. The woman who registered me has done it now a couple times or more in the last month. And then the woman who actually drew my blood definitely made mention of which arm she used last time. I've only had her once before and that was over two weeks ago, the night that they just fit me in. She seems sweet and I'm already hoping that the next time I go in, I get her.
I'm trying (though not very hard) to get myself going for tonight. In about an hour we head over to the bar where my husband will be playing. I'm not into it tonight. I feel incredibly lonely and like a stick in the mud. I'm not in the mood to hang out with almost every body we know. Star is expecting co-workers, I'm expecting co-workers, our friends will be there...etc. And I'm in no mind to hang out. And I feel selfish about it. Tonight is Star's night. To top that off he has concerns about his father's health.
I just wish it were next weekend already.
I wanna climb into bed. Or get a glass of wine and lounge on the couch all night.
Oh well.

TGIF...for real this time

2004-10-01T07:57:00.000-04:00

Feeling good because it's Friday. Feeling good because Kerry, I firmly believe, whooped Bush's ass (hope I'm not offending anybody). Feeling good because my husband, as always, made a very delicious pot of coffee.
Feeling a little uncomfortable because I might be getting a cold. I woke up initially feeling like I had a sore throat and also feeling in my funny in my head (like a sinus thing). I'm trying to ignore the sick feeling. Feeling a little uncomfortable about going into work. Yesterday was a icky day. I'm blaming it on the full moon. I did get a very, very good compliment from my boss. She liked a schedule that I made for Tuesday so much that she gave another girl (the one that I can't stand) a copy of it to copy for her schedule today. I think annoying girl (I'll call her AG) was a little annoyed. Meanwhile, minutes after the compliment...I realized that I royally screwed up. Have I mentioned this before? I work in a museum, in the guest services department. I have recently (in the last 2 weeks) become a supervisor after getting a promotion from the coatroom. I spent 8 months in the coatroom because I can be insanely patient some days. Anyway...I'm new to my position in many ways. But I'm doing okay...and some days doing better than my co-worker (AG) who's been doing the job longer than me. Getting back to the royal mess that I made. When putting the tickets into the computer yesterday morning, I misread times and ended up selling tickets to a special exhibit when there was to be a private group going in. Fortunately, this private group wasn't any group that was super, super important to the museum. Thank goodness for that. But still, this was all bad news because now it meant that 50 people were going to be in an exhibit that can only safely hold 25. ACK! It all turned out. No one (or so they said) was upset with me. Actually, my boss took
responsibility for not checking up on my work (I am still new on this). And the private group didn't even notice. They were a bunch of retirement people from NH that were ready to go home anyway by that time.
After all that, I had a little bit of a run in with AG. As I have mentioned before, she's very slow and is a weasel. Any opportunity she gets, to not be on the floor, she takes. Anyway...I was the supervisor yesterday, therefore, I was in charge. After she was done with a project (surprisingly 20 minutes earlier because she used my schedule which made her job easier), she thought she was going to just hang out, get something to eat, relax. The thing is, is that I needed her to get back out on the floor. So, I kindly asked her if she could. Then it all got weird. She didn't like that I wanted her to go back out to the floor because she wanted to get something in to eat (mind you, she's already had a 45 minute lunch break and a 15 minute break).
Long story short, it was awkward. I ended up apologizing. I always seem to apologize when things get awkward because I want a quick fix. But the thing is, I never said anything wrong. I told her that I wasn't meaning to be pushy or to step on her toes. I was just trying to get the day to run smoother because we really needed her on the floor. She seemed okay with that. But I'm not sure if she really got it. She's a little thick.
Today might be awkward. I have a feeling she'll stick me in the coatroom for a good part of the day. Because that's what she does with me. I don't know if it's on purpose. I secretly think it is, but then I don't know if she's that vengeful. I'm not sure.
I'm not used to having conflicts with co-workers. Yes, I think nasty things about them (i.e. this blog), but I try to keep it under wraps.
Oh well, I'll bring in my new New Yorker and hope that I don't get stuck with new guy too much. Oh yeah...I think that kid is creepy now. I won't get into that now.

Anyway...tonight is Star's big show. He's excited and I've got some co-workers coming out for the show. And then tomorrow, I think we help our friends pack up their U-Haul.
And another thing inbetween...I get to go back to the lab this afternoon...haven't been there in over a week...kind of felt like I've been on vacation, it's been nice.

Not too much to report

2004-09-30T07:36:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a pretty average day. Nothing too much happening, I guess. Except for that we found out that my father-in-law has pneumonia. Pneumonia is never good but it is especially nerve-wracking with my FIL because he's had some pretty terrible health problems in the last year. Last August he was in a horrible car accident that came very close to killing him. After being in a chemically induced coma for 3 weeks and spending a couple of months in the hospital and rehab, he's doing amazingly well. He's truly a miracle man. He's been back to work and his "regular" life since April now. But hearing that he now has pneumonia is a little scary. He isn't in the hospital or anything like that, so I feel that we are fortunate for that.
Last night we spent some time with our friends that are moving to Montana. I think I mentioned before that I feel a bit shitty because I've barely seen them in the last week or so and now they are off to the road on Sunday. I guess they've been busy. I mean, I know they've been busy...packing and having family visit before they leave. Anyway...it was a bit sad walking into their apartment last night and seeing a lot of their things packed up and away. S (the girl) is really not into the whole moving thing. I asked her if she was feeling a tiny bit excited at all. She said a flat no. I'm sure her husband knows that she's not happy with the move. But...I guess I just feel like both of them should be comfortable with the decision. I suppose I've been spoiled by my husband. Everything we do is a joint decision. I guess I don't completely understand their move if one of them is unhappy with it.
Strange dreams last night. I don't really remember them exactly. But one thing I definitely do remember is a huge ass spider. I suppose I've just been remembering real life in my dreams. On our back porch a couple of days ago, there were two enormous spider webs with huge, fat spiders sitting in the middle of them. Star got rid of the webs for me (we both felt a bit guilty for that) because they were attached to plants that I'll be bringing back inside when it gets too cold. And also, right next to the computer, there is another (dead) spider smushed to the wall. It's kind of gross and I don't know why Star didn't actually clean it up. Anyway...I'm sure that a spider represents something in a dream. I'll have to look it up.
I'm getting closer to my doctor's appointment. Tomorrow afternoon I go for the blood tests. Then on Monday...the big day. I'm already getting a sick feeling in my stomach thinking about it. I really don't know what to expect. More blood, pelvic exams, talking? I'm sure a mixture of all. I'm most nervous that I won't explain myself well enough. Also, I want Star to be there with me...I don't know if they will be too keen on that.
Oh well...

Hey...by the way...anyone having a problem getting to my blog? I had a problem...maybe it's just me.

Venting update

2004-09-29T07:49:00.000-04:00

Remember earlier when I was venting about this annoying new guy that started at my workplace? Guess what? I'm not the only one that is bothered by that kid! Maybe this is wrong, but knowing that makes me feel a little better. At work, I think I actually come across to my co-workers as very easy-going and "sweet". I do work very hard and take my job seriously (as hard as that can be some days). And I think that comes across to my co-workers. So...when I feel critical or annoyed by a co-worker...I get an overwhelming sense of guilt. I get upset with myself for feeling so critical.
Anyway...it was good to know that I'm not the only one. So far, three other women have shown that they are not too fond of this guy.
This should all be interesting.
I work at an interesting place. Some day I'll describe it to you all.

Good night

2004-09-28T21:56:00.000-04:00

I just spent a very good last four and a half hours.
I had drinks with a woman I work with. It was very refreshing. I'm not used to just going out with people after work. But this women invited me...we had a stressful day at work. At first I was hesitant. I actually said no. But then I changed my mind and we ended up spending four hours at the pub talking and drinking. It was so good. Though we are in very different places, we have an awful lot of similarities. She's about six years older than me, but she's been married for the same amount of time to a man that sounds a lot like my husband. She doesn't have kids and at the time doesn't want children. She actually has a pretty terrible health problem with her lungs. I don't know the details. But...you can tell she's probably had some pretty tough times but she's an amazing woman and we really click. I feel like I've made a new friend and it makes me feel happy...as cheesy as that may sound. It was good to get to really talk to someone that you don't usually get to.
I had a good night. I feel really glad for that.

Only Tuesday. I was really thinking it was Friday when I first woke up this morning. Aw shucks!

2004-09-28T07:31:00.000-04:00

I woke up with a slight hangover headache this morning. I don't really understand it. I did have a glass of wine last night, yes. But really, I have had much more to drink in the past and haven't ended up with a headache in the morning.
Hubby had band rehearsal last night. He's very excited because they are playing a show on Friday night. He's been waiting for weeks for this. I'm looking forward to this for him. Though I kind of wish the show was at a different location and at a different time. This coming weekend will be slightly of stressful. Our closest couple friends (the ones that were married two and a half weeks ago) are moving to Montana sometime early next week. I feel like shit because I haven't spoken to either one of them in over a week. I feel like good quality time is flying by. And if I were more with it, I'd offer to help them pack and stuff. (Note to self, give them a call tonight while hubby is at band rehearsal tonight.)
Meanwhile, there is the other stuff on my mind. The lab visit, ultrasound, and doctor's office. I've not really let myself think about in the last four days or so, my attempt at patience. Though, I did do yet another pee test (in order to not let myself feel too guilty about the glass of wine) last night. I figured that if I was at 18 last Tuesday and that if I were really truly pregnant, the pink line would be more visible now. The pink line was no where in sight.
It's a weird thing. I don't want to be pregnant right now, but only because I know that it would not be such a good thing right now. It would/could end in another miscarriage. But, I would be lying if I didn't admit that I was a little sad to see that the test was "not pregnant". When I talked to the nurse last week, I did get a little bit excited (if I could use that word). But I knew that from that number (18) that that was not a good thing.
Anyway, though I haven't really talked about these things in the last few posts, I have been thinking of them. Next Monday still seems very far away. I feel like I should be studying up or something for the appointment. I'd like to go in there with some good questions. But I don't really know what to ask. My worst fear of the appointment is that I won't really be given the opportunity to ask questions. Though, I do think my doctor is better than that. After my first miscarriage, she was very sweet and concerned for me.

For those few of you out there reading my posts, I do have a question for you. Have any of you thought of or gone through some sort of psychological counseling or therapy?
After my second miscarriage, my husband gently brought it up and suggested it. I've thought of it a lot. I know that if I found the right person, it would be a good thing. But it also scares the shit out of me. I know I definitely would never want to be put on any medicines, so that right there is out of the question. But even just the talking part seems like a little too much for me. Besides the miscarriages, I know that I could possibly benefit from therapy in other ways. I have some major anxiety problems at times. And I think I might have possibly experienced depression before the miscarriages too. I guess I'm torn up about it for a couple of reasons. First, I'm very anxious (there's that word again) about going to a stranger to talk about my problems. I'm a shy person to begin with and also, with the exception of this blog, I don't talk about myself. Secondly, I kind of feel like therapy for me would be selfish or vain. Most days I don't feel like I have a problem at all. But then other days (like a couple of days last week), I can't see anything good. Everything is horrible and I just want to stay in bed all day. And thirdly, I'm not very good at communicating things in talking with people (I think). I would be afraid that I wouldn't say enough to a therapist.
Anyway...that's something I'm thinking of talking to my OB/gyn about it. If she could suggest a therapist. Though, I don't think I should see someone that would just specialize in women who've suffered through miscarriages, etc. Because, honestly, I had some problems before (anxiety, slight depression).

Venting session

2004-09-27T20:06:00.000-04:00

I've just got to say...I work with a real idiot.
It's amazing to me at times.
Also, this idiot is purely selfish. A co-worker of mine once said this about the idiot co-worker. At the time I thought that was pretty harsh. But now, I know where this is coming from.
Also...I have to listen to this girl (the idiot) eat. I can not stand the sound of someone who eats with a lot of noise. It makes me want to puke. This is what this girl does. I actually try to schedule my time around her so that I don't have to be in the same small room listening to her eat. Another thing...she eats other people's food from the fridge!?!?!?!
UGH.
Now...to top things off...we have a new employee that is already starting at my nerves.
(What's wrong with me?)
This guy seems to think he's the shit.
But...he smells bad. (Oh yeah...idiot girl also smells horribly bad. I don't think she realizes that she has a major BO problem.) He's also a name dropper.
I hate that shit.
Already...I'll stop now. I had to do this here because I feel bad saying this stuff to my husband all of the time. He puts up with my complaints way too much.

I survived

2004-09-27T07:44:00.000-04:00

I survived the weekend. I made it through. It wasn't quite as bad as I was preparing for. At some points it was difficult to have a good attitude, but I did manage somehow.
Friday night was enjoyable. I came home after work and just before me and Star were about to go out for dinner, my sister came around with a bouquet of roses and a nice card. I had talked to her on Thursday night and looking back, I think I was on the verge of tears. So, she was thinking of me and wanted to do something nice for me. We (me and Star) insisted that she come out to dinner for us. She finally agreed and then later we went computer window-shopping for her.
Late Friday night, our houseguests showed up (R and B). We stayed up for a bit and then finally went to bed. Saturday morning we all puttered around the house and then left for NH/Vermont at around 3 pm. I was looking forward to going to Vermont, but I wasn't quite up for our company.
To shorten the description of the weekend, the concert on Saturday night was utterly unbelievably amazing. I was feeling annoyed and slightly uncomfortable before the show. But once the music (Richie Havens) started, that all fell to the side. We stayed at the house of parents of a friend's friend. The house was huge with the most spectacular view. The foliage is starting and will probably be at it's peak in about a week or so. I think I would of enjoyed myself more if we'd been with different people. I wasn't comfortable. I couldn't let myself relax. I really wanted to because we were in a place that I really enjoy...but I think it was the company.
Anyway...we got home around 5 yesterday evening. The weekend went by too quickly. I am now completely obsessed with Vermont and farmer's markets. I was looking at a real estate magazine and couldn't believe my eyes. A home with 3 bedrooms on 22 acres of land was going for 95,000 dollars. Around here (North of Boston), we'd be lucky to find a 2 bedroom condo with no parking for $180,000. Something is wrong with this picture.
I do love living in the city. A month ago I would never have thought of even wanting to visit the country. I think it's a mixture of things. Our closest friends are all moving away. We realize that we can barely keep afloat in the economy around here. And...I suppose I'm feeling like I'm nesting though I can't seem to stay pregnant. Maybe if we could manage a home to settle down in, maybe we could stay pregnant.
I think I just want a change.
Of course, in a month I'll be thinking differently again.

Help please...

2004-09-25T00:01:00.000-04:00

I kind of have a question...
When I read other women's blogs, I sometimes have a difficult time understand their abbreviations. Could I have a hand...if anyone has the time or energy? What are the basic ones that are used regularly on the sorts of blogs that I usually read (miscarriage/infertile/etc)?
If anyone has some key abbreviations, I'd really appreciate it.
I feel a little embarrassed that I've been up on blogging for a month now, but some things I still don't get.

Wait and see

2004-09-24T08:08:00.000-04:00

Thank you Christine and Crista for the encouraging words and good vibes.
Yesterday was a rough day, starting out. I had a extremely rough night before. I was having a "why me/poor me" fit. Why can't this be over? Why did I have two miscarriages? Will we ever have a baby? Why does everything have to be so hard? And then this thinking eventually gets to What am I going to do with my life? Why does it seem like everything I want is so hard to get (i.e. finishing school, etc)? Why me? Then after throwing this pity party for myself, I feel stupid and immature. I tell myself to buck up. And hopefully I will until the next issue occurs.
Yesterday afternoon I was seriously considering calling my doctor's office and seeing about getting some more blood drawn. I wanted to know if the quant numbers were going up. After thinking about it for a while, I decided that I'm just going to wait and see until next Friday. I don't think I need/want to know right now if my numbers go up and then down. I'd like to give myself a break from the hospital and blood lab. I have to go next Friday anyway. Probably not too much will change. And if anything does, there is nothing I can do anyway.
I'm also attempting to talk myself into believing that there had to be some sort of mix-up or mistake in the reading. (Which doesn't make me feel too much better knowing that a lab could do something like that to my blood...but mistakes do happen.) I'm going to try to relax...for once.
This weekend is going to be trying. The two guys I talked about earlier (R and B) will be staying with us tonight (and tonight only). I can handle a night. They will probably get here late anyway. Tomorrow is going to be a little stressful because we kind of have two major conflicting plans. I'm going to go along with whatever Star decides to do. I feel like I've spent too much time alone in the last week and I just want to be near him.
Originally our plan was to go to a one-year old baby's birthday party down in Boston. But then R and B came around with tickets to see Ritchie Havens (one of Star's heroes...up there with Bob Dylan) up in New Hampshire or Vermont (somewhere 3 hours away). It's a tough choice. Go to a baby's birthday party or go to a concert far away from home with R and B. Ugh. Half of me wants to go to neither. Half of me wants to go to both. And Star is pretty torn too. He keeps saying that he wants to go away this weekend, escape the weekend. That would be my first choice. The two of us need to get away.
I don't think we've decided yet. I'm letting him make the decision. The baby's birthday party is kind of a complicated thing. This baby is the daughter of Star's mentor, his high school English teacher. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but Star is also a high school English teacher. This man really influenced Star's life. Sadly, this man died in a terrible car accident about 18 months ago out in Utah. At the time, he and his wife lived in Montana and he was on a trip making his way towards home. Shortly after the accident, his wife discovered that she was pregnant. It's an unbelievable situation. The wife ended up moving back to the Boston area before she gave birth and she's been here since. We haven't yet seen the baby, though we would really like to. But, though Star hasn't admitted to this, it could possibly be an awkward situation considering the last three months we've endured, not to mention the sadness behind this baby's life.
After the first miscarriage we were invited to a baby's birthday party for one of Star's first friends from college. Star hadn't seen this friend in quite a while. Up until the day before, we were going to go until I kind of freaked out because I just wasn't up for be at baby's birthday party. What's more, is that I'd never met his friend before. I can be very anxious about meeting new people...and with the combination of a baby's party...it was just too much for me to handle. But if we went tomorrow...I feel like it would be different. I wouldn't let my selfish thoughts get in the way (or so I hope) and I'd want to be strong for Star. Because I think this party would be harder for him.
Anyway...I don't know what's going to happen this weekend. I'm attempting to go with the flow and try not to get my feathers all ruffled. (Sorry about the dumb cliches.)
Try is the key word here.

Fall...no new leaves, just dead ones falling to the ground

2004-09-23T07:13:00.000-04:00

Fall is here. Finally. I'm ready for a new season. Or so I thought I was until yesterday.
Tuesday night, when I was walking towards the blood lab in the hospital, I was thinking about about how the next day was going to be first day of Fall and maybe life could start over again. I was hoping that going towards the lab in that way would be the last for a little while. This last Summer was so shitty. It started off the wrong way.
But I guess things won't work out that way. Yesterday's conversation with the call nurse has again reopened feelings, frustrations, and worries. Saturday when I was thinking (hoping) that I had started my period, I was feeling a better in a small way. I was feeling like things were moving on again.
No such luck.
I'm angry again. I'm exhausted. And I've felt on the verge of tears all morning.
I'd just like to sleep all day.

Experiment

2004-09-22T19:10:00.000-04:00

I don't know exactly why I just did this...but I did.
I did a little experiment. Since I have extra home pregnancy tests laying around, I decided to try one out to see what 18 hcg looks like on one of those things.
The results...the pink line was very, barely there. I feel like this is kind of a good thing to know.
The brand was Accu-clear. It's what I've used for the last three months or so. I can usually find them at Target for $6.99 a box (two in a box).
Anyway...I know that I just wasted a pregnancy test. I know it didn't tell me anything. I do feel slightly reassured to see that the pink line was that bright or pink. Though I do really want to see that line...I know there is no way in hell that I'd be ready for that right now.
Meanwhile...I still don't feel right about drinking a glass of wine.
And that's kind of really what I want right now.